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Are you still seeking your mother’s approval? Are you still trying to plug up that hole created by the lack of emotional connection with your mother? Are you still stuck in your hurts, hang-ups and hurdles because your father was not the father you needed – emotionally distant, harsh, and disapproving instead of being warm, gentle, and accepting?

In my experience as a Life Coach, those clients who have individuated from their parents are able to hold their own, stand toe to toe with me, feel the freedom to explore their deeper self, and are comfortable with their own conclusions and findings. On the other hand, those clients who have not individuated from their parents want me to approve their answers and are concerned about what I think of their dreams, their visions, their thoughts, and their values. This longing for and anxiety about my approval or disapproval short-circuits their creative thinking and short-changes their personal development.

If you find the second group of my clients resembles you, you may like to try these ideas:

1. Visualize yourself as a powerful animal. Choose an animal that you have always admired for its strength and power. Write down the qualities you appreciate about this animal. Visualize yourself becoming this powerful animal. Use your imagination to become associated with the desirable qualities the animal represents.

2. Journal about those childhood experiences that still trigger feelings of rejection, hurts, and inhibitions. When you write about those experiences, you begin to process them and look at them from a detached and objective vantage point. Somehow they will not seem as overwhelming and controlling as they have been when they were residing in your head and in your psyche. If you seem to be stuck in these feelings every time you think about your parents, you can really benefit from some psychotherapy.

3. Write a letter to your parent. When you write a letter expressing how you felt as a child and how you feel now, you are empowering yourself and placing yourself on equal footing. You are playing the role of an assertive adult instead of the role of a victim-child. This letter-writing is something you can do regardless of whether you parents are dead or alive.

4. Fill the bucket with new thoughts and experiences. Write or draw on pieces of paper some new thoughts and experiences you would like to have. Fold these up and place them in a bucket. Keep doing this until the bucket is full. Each day pick out one piece of paper and do something to create that positive new experience for yourself.

5. Seek out a relationship with a mentor. Meeting other adults who can nurture you can often be very therapeutic and affirming. I had a rather negative relationship with my father and as a child often had nightmares about him hurting me. I am thankful that, since I became a follower of Jesus Christ, a number of older adults have come into my life and more or less re-parented me. We are all warped boards! That’s why our parents cannot give us everything we need. There are others in the community who can fill up the hole in our hearts and nurture us.

How would you describe your relationship with your mom and your dad? What might be a few things you needed from them but didn’t get? How does this lack make you feel as an adult? What could you do to go about filling the gap and getting your own needs met?

Please feel free to ask me any questions by clicking on the button “Ask Me A Question” in the sidebar.