May 20, 2013

Posts |  

Women In Transition : Get Empowered for Change

May 6, 2013 By Theresa Froehlich Leave a Comment


Women face multiple transitions through life – divorce, having children, stepping out of the workforce to raise a family, returning to work after children are grown, losing a spouse to terminal illness or tragedy, betrayal because of adultery or abandonment… and the list goes on.

All said, life is full of twists and turns, bumps and potholes. These surprises are rarely invited or welcomed guests in our living room, but we have to deal with them. Women will navigate through the various transitions with much more ease and grace if we seek empowerment in the face of change. What forms of empowerment do we need?

• Get educated. Learn everything you could learn about the situation you’re working with e.g. property laws in a divorce situation, retooling yourself when you return to the workplace after having been out of the workforce.

• Get formal training. If you can benefit from some formal training on a problem you’re trying to solve, by all means, do it.

• Get organized. Your life will be much more pleasant if you can counter the chaos by creating order in your environment. This will also enable you to think clearly and logically. At least you will be able to find things when you need them.

• Build your supportive community. Join support groups where you can glean the wisdom of others who have been farther along the way.

• Seek out your mentors. Who in your circles have some expertise in the area? Pick up the phone and invite that person for a cup of coffee.

Where in your life do you need empowerment? What are the best places to get such empowerment? What experiences can you share with the rest of us?

Please leave a comment and feel free to ask a question by clicking on the button “Ask Me A Question” in the sidebar.

All content on this website is copyrighted.

VN:F [1.9.15_1155]
Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
Filed Under: Transition Tagged With: , , , ,

Navigating Transitions: Learn to Sit With Uncertainty

March 25, 2013 By Theresa Froehlich Leave a Comment

If I were to be simplistic, I would divide the people in the world into two groups: one that likes change and the other that doesn’t. If I were to be even more simplistic, I’d assert that almost all people don’t enjoy the process of change even if they might like the results of change.

The process of change is that muddy area in the middle between point A and point B. Sometimes, you don’t know where point B is; other times, you don’t even know if there is a point B. You just know that point A is no longer a place or time you can hold onto, but you don’t know where you’re headed. You’re just sitting in limbo, in a holding place. You look out there and all the water around you is mirky or muddy.

When there is so much uncertainty and so many unknowns, the temptation is to create an artificial point B. We want to make things happen so we can eliminate the anxiety that is consuming us. We hate that feeling of not knowing what is coming next and we feel out of control.

The trouble with forcing a point B into being is that this point B may not be the point B that God has intended for us. By creating an artificial point B and plunging into something and anything, we cause ourselves confusion, internal conflict, and sometimes even greater anxiety.

I have found a helpful habit in navigating transitions: sitting with uncertainty. Let’s personify uncertainty as a friend that you can chat with and discover wisdom from. Let’s just name it Uncertainty because that is its name. When you start having conversations with Uncertainty, instead of pushing it away, you’d be amazed what you can learn about your situation, yourself, and the people involved in your situation.

How do you relate to uncertainty? What kinds of emotions does uncertainty cause in you? What would you like to change in the way you relate to uncertainty?

Please leave me a comment and feel free to ask a question by clicking on the button “Ask Me A Question.”

www.dreamstime.com

VN:F [1.9.15_1155]
Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
Filed Under: Transition Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Mastering Life Transitions: Power of Childplay

February 11, 2013 By Theresa Froehlich Leave a Comment

Navigating life transitions requires courage, wisdom, tenacity, and most of all creativity. All too often, we try too hard to face our life changes, and the problems that go with them, head on and for too long. It sounds counter-intuitive, but the harder we try to face the problems head on, the less able we are to come up with solutions.

Several years ago, I had to deal with a crisis brought on by some very poor choices of our children who had just started college. I spent a great deal of time researching and learning in order to understand “the problem.” After a very intense focus on the problem, I had exhausted my resources, mental and emotional. I was unable to come up with a solution because the problem seemed to be outside of my sphere of control. After all, these were supposedly adults responsible for themselves!

That was when my artist friend taught me the greatest lesson for navigating life changes and challenges. She brought out her bubble solution (Yes! It was the kind that your kids used in preschool for blowing bubbles!) and she had me start blowing bubbles. My adult brain told me, “This is so silly! I’m not three years old anymore!” But the bubble-blowing put my brain at rest and I was able to let go! After that I began to “see” insights into my situation.

This is evidenced by modern research on brain functioning. The creative process involves four steps. Step one is to define the problem; step two is to dig deep to gather data. Step three is counter-intuitive: let it all go and just relax! Step four is implementation.

My bubble-blowing is what step three is about. “Unlike the intense focus of grappling with a problem head-on, the third stage is characterized by a high alpha rhythm, which signals mental relaxation, a state of openness, of daydreaming and drifting, where we’re more receptive to new ideas. This sets the stage for the novel connections that occur during the gamma spike.”

When I let go and played like a child, my brain was able to relax, get the creative juices flowing, and create those Aha moments.

I would like to suggest a few things we could do to enhance our creative problem-solving when faced with life changes, particularly the challenging ones.

• Learn to discern when you need to let go.

• Schedule mini-Sabbaths each day, week, and year when you can go for a walk, take a long shower, go for a drive, or take a vacation.

• Put a pad of paper beside your bed. Creative insights often come in your dreams or when you wake in the morning.

• Engage in activities you don’t routinely do, for example, blowing bubbles!

• Use visualization to help yourself let go. Listen to music with the sounds of the ocean, for example, and imagine yourself walking on the beach.

What are some challenges you’re facing right now? What are the barriers to your creative problem-solving? What can you do to enhance your creativity?

Please leave a comment and feel free to ask a question by clicking on the button “Ask Me A Question” in the sidebar.

All content on this website is copyrighted.
Photo: www.dreamstime.com

VN:F [1.9.15_1155]
Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
Filed Under: Transition Tagged With: , , , , ,

Life Transitions: Milestones, Stepping Stones Or Stumbling Blocks?

December 10, 2012 By Theresa Froehlich Leave a Comment

If life is a journey, then each stage of the journey has mile markers.

In ancient times, these mile markers, usually stone obelisks, provide reference points to reassure travelers that they are still on the proper path. These milestones granted travelers confidence in moving forward and ensure that they got to the destination they aimed for.

When we are on a life journey, the milestones are clear for a child’s development – teething, beginning to walk and talk, growing in height, learning to feed and dress himself, toilet training, starting school, going to college, and the list goes on. The milestones of a young adult are still relatively clear: completing an education, establishing a career, and getting married. However, the milestones of adult life beyond the young 20-something years are much more ambiguous. What would be considered a proper path for a 40-year-old man or woman?

In the middle adult years, milestones often look like stepping stones but these stepping stones are not always recognized as such. For instance, a middle adult woman might be diagnosed with breast cancer at age 42. This sure looks like a stumbling block on her life path, but she develops better self-care habits as a result of this diagnosis and decides to become a nutritionist in her empty nest years. What appears to be a stumbling block then has now become a stepping stone and a milestone for her life journey.

When my husband and I first got married, we moved to Jackson, Mississippi. As an interracial couple, we drew stares everywhere we went. (I was not accustomed to this kind of behavior since I grew up in cosmopolitan Hong Kong where all races mingle easily.) In addition, I had to face racist hostility daily. I experienced this as a big stumbling block in my life, but I developed such empathy for and sensitivity to people as a result. This stumbling block was a stepping stone, and a training tool used by God to polish the rough edges of the diamond in his hand.

Our perspective on these life events determines how we experience these events: milestone, stepping stone, or stumbling block?
What are some experiences in your life that were considered stumbling blocks at the time? How might your life journey be different if you see these life events as stepping stones?

Please feel free to leave me a comment or ask me a question by clicking on the button “Ask Me A Question” in the sidebar.

All content on this website is copyrighted.

Photo: http://www.dreamstime.com

VN:F [1.9.15_1155]
Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
Filed Under: Transition Tagged With: , , , ,

Navigating Life Transitions: Losing My Mother

October 29, 2012 By Theresa Froehlich 2 Comments

Today I am writing about an intensely personal matter: anticipating the loss of my mother.

My mother is 90 years old and still has a relatively sharp mind for someone who endured a life-threatening stroke 5 years ago. Before her stroke, she was the most energetic 85-year-old lady I knew. She was out and about every day – walking, doing Tai Chi, eating lunch at the restaurants and socializing along the way. During the last five years, she has been confined to a wheelchair in a nursing home and her body has not been functioning as well as she wants.

Ever since her stroke, I’ve always known that I could lose her any time. During my recent visit a few days ago, though, she and I both sensed that the days are running out. She got very emotional when I was leaving after my visit. My intuition told me that this might have been the last time I would see her.

I am the youngest of her six children. I have always looked up to my mother as some kind of Wonder Woman who could make magic. She could turn an old piece of clothing into a classy formal dress; she could get her children into some of the best schools in spite of our poverty. Yet I did not recognize, till I became a mother myself, that she was very lonely in heart. It was in those moments of awakening when I recalled the times my mother invited me, as a young child, to tag along with her when she went grocery shopping.

My relationship with my mother has the kind of primal intimacy that no other relationship can compare. It began on the day of conception and that closeness takes up residence in my heart. Yes, she is not dead yet. But anticipating the loss is almost more painful than dealing with the actual loss. How is it that all of a sudden I feel I am about to become an orphan?

This anticipation is enough to create a lump in my throat and cause my eyes to well up in tears. This is a passage in life that all of us must walk through, but the inevitability of the passage does not grant me immunity to the pain. In Shakespeare’s play MacBeth, Malcolm advised MacDuff to “fight like a man.” MacDuff replied, “I will. But I also have to feel it like a man.” Perhaps losing my mother is the kind of life transition in which I must fight like a strong human being but I must also feel the loss to the fullest. In navigating such a profound transition, I would be diminishing my love for my mother and her love for me if I were to deny the pain of my loss.

My mother has a special place in my heart, uniquely shaped by who she is to me. No one else will ever take that place in my heart, in the same way that no one can ever take your mother’s place in your heart. Jeanette Winterson expressed it so well in Written On The Body, “You’ll get over it…” It’s the clichés that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life forever. You don’t get over it because ‘it” is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not made anodyne by death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no-one else can fit it. Why would I want them to?”

Gail Sheehy, the author of best-selling Passages, said, “Growth demands a temporary surrender of security.” Perhaps losing one’s mother is that surrender of mother-security, a way of walking through the door to enter into adulthood.

What emotions did you feel when you lost a loved one? What insights did you gain from the experience?

Please feel free to leave a comment or ask a question by clicking on the button “Ask Me A Question” in the sidebar.
All content on this website is copyrighted.

VN:F [1.9.15_1155]
Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
Filed Under: Transition Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Mastering Life Transitions: Empty Nest, Open Mind

October 8, 2012 By Theresa Froehlich 2 Comments

Many mothers find it extremely difficult to transition from their full nests to the-now-empty-nests. My husband and I became empty nest parents several years ago. I resonate with these mothers and I don’t mean to trivialize the difficulties and the sense of loss. What makes my heart ache for these mothers is how their grief has blinded their eyes to new horizons, and how their attachment to the “full nest” has closed their minds to new opportunities.

I too feel the daily grief in the midst of the daily grind. It takes a conscious effort and an intentional shift to turn my attention to this new chapter of my life. This exercise has become a spiritual discipline of sorts. Daily I make a conscious choice for this shift of attention to the new horizons and new opportunities, because I know that God has created me for a great purpose. My calling as a parent will continue, but not in the same ways as my parenting role has been. Now I have my new life to live and I am to focus on this new journey.

As I’ve made my new journey my focus, I’ve noticed so many exciting opportunities:
• Time available to learn a new skill or engage in new activities (I have recently started Mandarin lessons. Who says an old dog cannot learn new tricks?);

• My own availability to my friends and family (I have been able to visit my mother and sisters in a city that is 150 miles away);

• Renewed awareness of the need to take better care of myself (I take naps, treat myself to an occasional lunch, and enjoy browsing at the library and bookstores.);

• Mental space available for reflecting on life in general (There is no much happening in life and so little time to think about things when the children were still under my daily care. Now is my opportunity!);

• Ability to say “yes” to involvements I used to have to say “no” to (I used to have to give up sleep if I ever wanted to teach an adult class at our church. Now I can leisurely do my preparation.);

• Regaining a sense of self; I am no longer just “so and so’s mom” (I feel as though I am re-emerging as a real person and it is a wonderful feeling.);

• Renewing my marriage with my husband; we are no longer living according to our children’s schedules and needs (Re-feathering our nest is something I appreciate the most. My husband and I are not only re-discovering each other but also re-visioning our life together.).

Above all of these exciting opportunities, I rejoice over my own new relationship to change. I am now not just tolerating and accepting change; I am embracing change and I welcome God’s purpose behind the change. This is a kind of rite of passage to me.

When Katie Couric lost her husband to cancer (he was only 42), she suffered a huge loss. In a recent article in the Parade magazine, she said “life is a series of reboots.” I find that transitions are very effective teachers, showing me how to develop an open mind to life, even though I miss what I used to treasure, even though I grieve for what I’ve lost, and even though I may not always have the future all figured out.

Please leave me a comment and feel free to ask me a question by clicking on the button “Ask Me A Question.”

VN:F [1.9.15_1155]
Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
Filed Under: Transition Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Mastering Life Transitions: Writing Down Legacies

August 6, 2012 By Theresa Froehlich Leave a Comment

Navigating life transitions can feel like trying to find your footing in a pool of quick sand. You cannot go back to the shore you have just left, and the shore on the other side is nowhere in sight yet. This is a scary feeling. You are facing confusion, fear, anxiety, sadness, and various losses.

The natural tendency is to grab onto whatever comes along that might look like the “new shore.” Some people would take any job offer after having been laid off; women and men after divorce would marry the first one who comes along; empty nest moms would take on new career commitments even though they aren’t sure if these career choices are a good match for their strengths.

In his book Transitions, William Bridges writes, “We come to beginnings only at the end.” In reality, it’s not easy to tell where the endings and the beginnings are. An example is where a wife has filed for divorce from her dysfunctional spouse but there are still many legal issues to settle. In my situation, my adult children are now living apart from us, but periodically crises happen in their lives. We are continuing to clarify the ending of our parental roles and the beginning of an adult-to-adult relationship.

The last few years of transitions have offered so many opportunities for me to grow as a person: developing new perspectives and priorities, embracing new adventures and attitudes, and becoming more versatile and compassionate. The transitions have blessed me with a new legacy. But this legacy did not become clear until I started writing about my life lessons learned through the transitions.

Writing about these life transitions is somewhat like being dropped off on a treasure island. I am to dig for those treasures until a ship comes back to pick me up to take me to the new shore. Best-selling author Stephen R. Covey said, “There are four needs in all people: to live, to love, to learn, to leave a legacy.”

My struggles through those transitions not only provide a window into my life, but also a bridge to my children who need to hear from their mother who has gone before them. The story needs to be told, as Maya Angelou said, “There is no agony like bearing the untold story inside you.” Rachael Freed has founded Women Legacies to empower and train women to write and pass on their legacies to future generations.

To start writing down your legacies, here are a few steps:

1. Reflect on your life experiences.

2. List some broad categories of topics.

3. Start mapping outlines.

4. Begin to write. Do not aim at perfect writing. Just write.

5. Go through the first four steps again. Revise your categories and outlines. This will help the truly important topics come to the top.

Heraclitus, a Fifth Century BC philosopher said, “Nothing endures but change.” But change will not endure as legacies unless we write them down to bless our future generations.

Where can you use writing to pass on your legacies to your children and grandchildren?

All content on this website is copyrighted.

http://www.dreamstime.com

VN:F [1.9.15_1155]
Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
Filed Under: Transition Tagged With: , , ,

Life Transitions: Cosmetic Surgery Or Inner Transformation?

June 4, 2012 By Theresa Froehlich 2 Comments

Transitions are times to reflect and re-evaluate. These are times to ask questions about the past and the future. Most people would agree that these are prime time for change, but not all would agree on the types of change.

Some of the common transitions are graduation, divorce, class reunions, recovery from a major illness, job search and career change, and weddings. On these occasions, we try on that swimsuit that no longer fits, or we remember our career goals and realize we haven’t reached our goals.

The gap between where we had hoped to be and where we are should give us impetus for change. A surgeon suggests that the way to bring about change is through cosmetic surgery. This is a quick fix to our appearance but it doesn’t bring about personal development.

Changing our external appearance without dealing with the core issues is a cosmetic fix. It disregards the opportunity as an opportunity for inner transformation.

During the last ten years, I have had face several challenging transitions – cancer and other health issues, a difficult launch of our young adult children, and the confusing transitions through empty nest – and each one of them was like a molting journey.

I was like one of the birds that need to shed its feathers or a crab that needs to lose its shell in order to enter the next phase of development. This molting process is not something that can be accomplished by a cosmetic fix on the outside. It must be a transformation on the inside.
A blogger, a cancer survivor, expressed this so well, “I don’t think the goal is to ever have that “old life.”

When experiencing transitions, there are several important questions to ask ourselves to facilitate our transformation journey:

1. What are the most important relationships in my life?

2. What do I need to change to enhance these relationships?

3. What might be some unfinished business in my relationships?

4. What attitudes and perspectives have kept me from being the best “me” in relationships?

5. What limiting beliefs have kept me from becoming all that God has created me to be?

What are the opportunities now available to you as transformation opportunities?

All content on this website is copyrighted.

http://www.dreamstime.com

VN:F [1.9.15_1155]
Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
Filed Under: Transition Tagged With: , , , , ,

Life Transitions: How to Choose Well

May 14, 2012 By Theresa Froehlich Leave a Comment

Two years ago, I came across an article about a young man named Adam Blake who, at age 24, founded and led Atlas Properties, which made the Inc. 500 list of fastest growing companies. He started the real estate business when he was a sophomore at Texas Christian University.

What fired him up was his father, Richard Blake’s experience. Richard worked his way up to be the Vice President of the company and then got laid off. Without a college degree, he hit a brick wall in his corporate career. Adam was 15 at the time. He promised himself, “I’m going to be an entrepreneur and I’m not going to enter the corporate world.”

Adam had not been a scholastic performer until he was finishing eighth grade. He surprised his parents when he asked to be transferred to Rockhurst High School, a demanding prep school run by the Jesuits. There Adam transformed himself into a straight-A student.

As a college student at Texas Christian University, Adam began delving into real estate by helping his fellow students find rental housing. In 2004, he started buying real estate. Along the way, he sought out the best minds in the real estate business to mentor him, studied for and obtained his real estate license, and all the while performing well in school and sports.

“I didn’t sleep very much,” Adam Blake reminisced about his college career. “I didn’t spend my time on what I would call nonproductive activities, like playing video games and watching movies…I don’t flaunt money, buy stupid things or take it for granted,” he said. “I am working really hard and I’m not afraid to take risks.”

One might say, Richard Blake has a dream child, as if Adam somehow has some special DNA that propels him to success. When I read this story in my local newspaper, I began to reflect on Adam’s choices along the way.

• Reflection – It began with watching his dad come face to face with adversity when Richard lost his job. The impact on the family caused Adam to think hard about the life path he was going to take.
• Vision – Adam caught the vision of becoming an entrepreneur when he imagined himself standing at the crossroads between the corporate world and the entrepreneurial journey.

• Preparation – He recognized his need to develop himself by going to school, getting further training in real estate, and receiving mentoring by professionals who have gone before him. He is humble enough to recognize his inadequacies and very methodically goes about filling the gaps.

• Prioritization – Adam carefully and clearly marks out his priorities. Nonproductive activities would not have any claims on his schedule. He remains focused and would not allow these activities to distract him.

• Boundaries – He sets very strong and healthy boundaries for the wealth he has earned so far. He buys a nice home and drives a nice car but consumer products are not his destination. He keeps the vision of building his real estate business in front of him at all times. His goal is to build, not to splurge.

The choices we make everyday, whether they are big or small, steer our course of life. Choosing well today paves the way for a better future tomorrow. Regardless of our age, we have been endowed with the freedom of choice by our Creator. To live tomorrow without regrets, we begin with choosing well today.

All content on this website is copyrighted.

http://www.dreamstime.com

VN:F [1.9.15_1155]
Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
Filed Under: Transition Tagged With: , , ,

Transitions: How To Navigate Relationship Changes

April 25, 2012 By Theresa Froehlich Leave a Comment

Relationships go through change over time. There is a rhythm, an ebb and flow, to it because people change in their life circumstances change.

Mastering these relationship changes is a skill we learn as we mature.
I have these dear friends that I have known for about 35 years. I became close to them when I was a single person, but I moved away after I got married. Whenever I come back to the region, I call or visit them. We could pick up where we left off, but we do not share the closeness of spending regular time together week after week. Every time I reconnect with them when I visit their city, I have to be sensitive to their openness to the reconnection.

Here are a few pointers I look to when I navigate relationship changes. They are somewhat like the thermometer for measuring temperatures or the barometer for measuring pressure.

1. What is their availability?

2. Is there any mutual desire for connecting?

3. What level of connection are they ready for? Are they ready for just a phone call from me, an evening out with me, or an overnight stay at their house?

Once you have a clear idea where the relationship stands, you can do one or more of the following:

1. Offer to meet but listen closely to what the other person is saying.

2. Reaffirm your interest in future connection if the suggested time isn’t a workable time.

3. Be flexible. Be willing to negotiate the terms that will work for both of you.

4. Never judge, condemn or resent the other person if he shows no openness to connecting. If you do, you’re permanently closing the door to any future connection.

5. Be willing to let go. Relationships have their seasons. If you let your friends go for a season, they might just return when summer comes around.

How have you navigated your relationship changes? What are some challenges? What do you learn about yourself and about the relationship?

Please leave a comment and feel free to ask me a question by clicking on the button “Ask Me A Question” in the sidebar.

All content on this website is copyrighted.

www.dreamstime.com

VN:F [1.9.15_1155]
Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
Filed Under: Transition Tagged With: , , , ,
« Older Posts
newsletter software