May 19, 2012

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Life Transitions: How to Choose Well

Two years ago, I came across an article about a young man named Adam Blake who, at age 24, founded and led Atlas Properties, which made the Inc. 500 list of fastest growing companies. He started the real estate business when he was a sophomore at Texas Christian University.

What fired him up was his father, Richard Blake’s experience. Richard worked his way up to be the Vice President of the company and then got laid off. Without a college degree, he hit a brick wall in his corporate career. Adam was 15 at the time. He promised himself, “I’m going to be an entrepreneur and I’m not going to enter the corporate world.”

Adam had not been a scholastic performer until he was finishing eighth grade. He surprised his parents when he asked to be transferred to Rockhurst High School, a demanding prep school run by the Jesuits. There Adam transformed himself into a straight-A student.

As a college student at Texas Christian University, Adam began delving into real estate by helping his fellow students find rental housing. In 2004, he started buying real estate. Along the way, he sought out the best minds in the real estate business to mentor him, studied for and obtained his real estate license, and all the while performing well in school and sports.

“I didn’t sleep very much,” Adam Blake reminisced about his college career. “I didn’t spend my time on what I would call nonproductive activities, like playing video games and watching movies…I don’t flaunt money, buy stupid things or take it for granted,” he said. “I am working really hard and I’m not afraid to take risks.”

One might say, Richard Blake has a dream child, as if Adam somehow has some special DNA that propels him to success. When I read this story in my local newspaper, I began to reflect on Adam’s choices along the way.

• Reflection – It began with watching his dad come face to face with adversity when Richard lost his job. The impact on the family caused Adam to think hard about the life path he was going to take.
• Vision – Adam caught the vision of becoming an entrepreneur when he imagined himself standing at the crossroads between the corporate world and the entrepreneurial journey.

• Preparation – He recognized his need to develop himself by going to school, getting further training in real estate, and receiving mentoring by professionals who have gone before him. He is humble enough to recognize his inadequacies and very methodically goes about filling the gaps.

• Prioritization – Adam carefully and clearly marks out his priorities. Nonproductive activities would not have any claims on his schedule. He remains focused and would not allow these activities to distract him.

• Boundaries – He sets very strong and healthy boundaries for the wealth he has earned so far. He buys a nice home and drives a nice car but consumer products are not his destination. He keeps the vision of building his real estate business in front of him at all times. His goal is to build, not to splurge.

The choices we make everyday, whether they are big or small, steer our course of life. Choosing well today paves the way for a better future tomorrow. Regardless of our age, we have been endowed with the freedom of choice by our Creator. To live tomorrow without regrets, we begin with choosing well today.

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Mothers Who Can’t Celebrate Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day is just two days away. Throughout this week, people have already been wishing mothers, “Happy Mother’s Day!” I thought to myself, “Really? What am I celebrating?”

I am welcoming Mother’s Day with mixed emotions. Our almost 24-year-old daughter MaryBeth (not her real name) is having a crisis. She has been set back many steps from her educational goal because of a series of poor choices she has made during the last 6-9 months. People say, “Two steps forward, one step back.” In her case, it has been one step forward, three steps back.

Jan, a single mother I have met at the gym, has a 21-year-old son who has given himself over to addictions. Jan has not seen or talked to his son for more than a year. No husband, no family brunches, no Mother’s Day card or phone calls! Broken and lonely, she finds it hard to relate to Mother’s Day celebrations. Within my circles, I know at least several more mothers who resonate with Jan’s brokenness and grief.

In modern American society, there are so many mothers in pain because they feel estranged from their adult children. I don’t consider myself an estranged parent, but our children’s life choices have driven us so far apart that even though we see each other regularly I feel very little closeness or common ground.

In a recent New York Times article by Tara Parker-Pope, she courageously and honestly writes about the parent-adult child relationships that cause so much pain. The article received close to 2,000 comments! Joshua Coleman, a San Francisco psychologist mentioned in the article, has himself been estranged from his adult daughter for years but has now become reconciled. At one time, he offered a webinar for parents estranged from their children. He expected about 50 to sign up, but he got 400!

As Mother’s Day approaches, I ask the question: “What am I celebrating?” Am I celebrating my children’s achievements, life successes and milestones? No, I am not celebrating them. I am celebrating me as a mother: the privilege of having been one, the gift of God’s empowering to be the best mother I have been, and the sustaining grace and hope that our children will continue to journey forward.

Mother’s Day is not about our children. It’s about us mothers.

What are you celebrating this Mother’s Day?

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Why I Am Reducing My Blogging

Life has its own way of unfolding to us. As we journey through the various ages and stages, we explore and discover – new opportunities, new ways to see the world, and new understandings about ourselves.

This is exactly what I have done during the last couple of years.

When I became a empty nest mom, I found abundant time on my hands. Being a firm believer in being responsible steward, I wanted to make the best use of the time God had put in my hands. For more than two years, I have faithfully written blogposts five days a week. I have appreciated the readers who have joined in the conversation by leaving comments.

During the same time I was faithfully blogging, I have also explored other opportunities God sent my way. As I begin to get involved with those other activities, it became clear that I was seeking more involvement with people. I began to re-evaluate the time I have been spending on blogging and writing, a solitary activity.

I have come to the place where I need to get a little more balance in my life – between solitude and community, using my writing ability and other gifts, and engaging people online and offline. In addition, some of the new commitments I have taken on will require me to travel out of the country. With much prayerful consideration, I have decided to continue to blog about the three topics of “parenting adult children,” “life transitions,” and “Christian spirituality.” In order to find the life balance I seek, I am going to blog about one of these three topic a week, instead of blogging about all three topics every week. For you as the reader, it means you will be receiving one blogpost from me every Monday.

I am grateful for being able to stay in touch with you and share some of the life lessons I have been learning. Please continue to join in the conversations around those topics.

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Parenting Adult Children: Maintain Balance When They’re In Crisis

The day you launched your young adults into college or the working world, you thought they would be on their own from then on. You think you’d just have them home for Thanksgiving, Christmas, weddings, and birthday celebrations. Then you’re surprised when you get a phone call one day.

Your son at the other end said, “Mom, I got laid off. I have only enough cash to last a few weeks.”

How about this scenario? You invited your 24-year-old daughter out to lunch and she told you, “I quit my job because I hated working there. I’m waiting for my tax refund to pay next month’s rent.” Three weeks went by, her tax refund check came but it turned out to be much smaller than expected.

If these situations had happened to me a few years ago, I would have been thrown off balance right away. I would have jumped in to intervene and to fix the situation. The end result was that I ended up carrying the burden of responsibility while my adult children went free. After several years of emotional boot camp, I had learned some valuable lessons for maintaining balance even when I am watching my children’s little ships being tossed to and fro in a rough sea.

1. Resist the urge to rescue, protect and provide. When I rescue my child from the rough sea, I am short-circuiting his development and robbing him of the opportunities to become a skilled seaman.

2. Remind your child of her past successes.

3. Reiterate some of the child’s strengths to boost her confidence.
4. Re-affirm the boundaries with your adult children, especially living spaces and finances.
Maintain separate living quarters as far as possible. When an adult child moves back home after a setback, it’s very difficult to not slide into the role of a dependent child.

5. Reassure your child of your availability to listen. Practice deep listening and ask probing questions but do not offer solutions. You’re now a coach, not a problem-solver like you were when your children were little.

6. Relax and trust God to provide and guide. It’s anxiety-provoking for parents to wait for your child to get out of the rough patch without your intervention, but your involvement will have the result of expressing no-confidence in your child.

7. Find things to do: meet with your friends, go to a movie, write a blogpost, or draw a picture. Any activity you can find to take your mind away from worrying about your child.

What are some of your experiences of crises from your adult children? How did you handle them? What did you learn? What can you share with us?

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Christian Discipleship: What To Do When God Disappoints Us?

Every one of your disappointments is an appointment with God.

Life brings a variety of disappointments. When storms, disasters, losses, and disappointments hit us, it’s common to find someone to blame. In these situations God becomes an easy target.

There is a kind of disappointment that is more than just disappointment with life circumstances. This is the disappointment with God himself. The disappointment comes from having some expectations as to who God is and how he should act. When these expectations are not met we are caught by unpleasant surprises, because God did not turn out to be the God I have created in my mind. In other words, I have created God in my own image and in the image of my fantasies about him. This is a form of idolatry.

During the last twenty-eight years, I have had disappointments with my career, my children, and the circumstances I was living in. Every time I am faced with a disappointment, I have to change my ideas about God. I wake up to the true God who has revealed himself in the Bible and I have to revise my theology.

Having to change my theology is scary, because I find comfort and direction in the familiar. When this happens to me, I ask helpful questions so I can maintain my friendship with God and perhaps deepen my relationship with him.

1. What is the value behind each disappointment? When I am disappointed, it’s because I am not getting something that matters a lot to me. What is this important thing? Why do I want it?

2. What is God trying to teach me? Where do I need to grow and develop?

3. What insights, skills, character strengths did I gain? Every loss comes with some gains. What do I gain from this disappointing experience?

4. What is God revealing to me about his will, his wisdom, and mercy? When God doesn’t give us something we ask for, it’s because he has something better for us.

5. How might I use this disappointment to positively influence my relationship with God and with others?

When I treat each of my disappointments as an appointment with God, an opportunity to get to know him better, I have a totally different perspective on my disappointing experiences.

What disappointments have you had in life? How have you been disappointed with God, if ever? What questions would you ask to help you move forward in your relationship with God?

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Mastering Life Transitions: Manage Your Emotions

Life transitions are times of change that challenge our decision-making abilities. Even though we try to be analytical and rational, our brains often yield to the control of emotions. If you are like me and most human beings, you would feel a wide gamut of emotions when you’re going through change – grief, fear, anxiety, confusion, guilt, shame, anger, and other emotions.

A study done by Benedetto De Martino of University College London demonstrated this. DeMartino and his colleagues studied 20 men and women who underwent three 17-minute brain scans while they were asked questions about the decision to gamble or not. They were given a pot of English pounds equivalent to US $95. When the subjects were told they could “keep” 40% of their money if they didn’t gamble, they chose to gamble only 43% of the time. However, if they were told they could “lose” 60% of the money if they didn’t gamble, they rolled the dice 62% of the time.

In both cases, the volunteers received clear explanations of the chances of winning ahead of time; they knew the odds were identical. The only difference between the two cases was the way in which the consequence was framed.

This study shows two things:
• Emotions matter in making choices.
• How we speak to ourselves and to others matters.

In another study done by Omar Ybarra of University of Michigan, it was discovered that our social connections increase brain connections. Having significant social interactions is not only good for cognitive functions, but also for enhancing our decision-making abilities.

Mastering transitions then involves managing emotions and increasing social interactions. About 8 years ago, I was trying to make decisions about my children’s education, specifically evaluating homeschooling as an option. I had strong emotions about this decision since homeschooling was not on my radar and it would be a big change for us. I intentionally interviewed at least 25 homeschooling moms before I made the decision.

When navigating through changes, you will find the following habits helpful for making better decisions.

• Cultivate an attitude of gratitude. Thank God for what you have, no matter how small the blessings might seem.

• Speak positive affirmations to yourself. Say such things as “Even though I feel down today, I completely accept and love myself.”

• Turn every negative thought into a positive affirmation. For example, when the thought “I don’t seem to be succeeding” comes into your mind, say “I am making progress toward success.”

• Reach out to others. Visit your aunt or your godmother. Talk to your pastor or counselor. Often other people can help us see the silver lining of the cloud.

• Use motions to improve your emotions. Engage in physical activity to change your mood. Behavioral neuroscientist Dr. Kelly Lambert has written a book titled “Lifting Depression” to show the connection between physical movement and our emotional states. When we knit a sweater, create a meal, work on a home project, or go for a walk, we’re bathing our brain with “feel-good” chemicals.

• Count the cost of surrendering to negative emotions. When you’re going through big changes in life, you may feel overwhelmed by many negative emotions. Think of these negative emotions as bullies trying to exact payments from you. You can choose to pay or not pay.

Lucille Ball was a well-known comedian whose work has given us lots of laughter. She had learned the value of not making payments to negative emotions and kept moving forward with life. She said, “One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn’t pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself.”

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Parenting Adult Children: How To Get Millenials Off The Couch

Within the last few weeks, my husband and I have been involved in conversations with parents whose twenty-something children seem to just park themselves in the parents’ homes or simply not moving forward with their education, career, and marriage.

Known as the “millenials,” there are about 80 million of these young adults born between 1980 and 1995. They share these characteristics:

• Very tech savvy. They can talk, text, and type all at once.

• Exceptionally positive self-esteem.

• High expectations of what they can get from studies and work. They feel entitled to good grades in school and generous compensation from employment.

• An educated group of young people.

• Loyalty to one company or employer is not a high priority.

• Separating from their Boomer parents and setting up an independent living situation is not viewed as a high priority. Continuing to live with parents after college graduation is seen as an economically wise decision, often encouraged by the parents.

• Lack of life skills, sometimes as basic as the skill of eating with a knife and fork.

Tendency to be more tolerant of racial-ethnic diversity and less religious than their Boomer parents.

Believe me! I have first-hand knowledge of this generation because my two children are millenials. There is now a whole cadre of experts and consultants providing services and advice to employers so they know how to manage these perpetual adolescents. As parents, we are scratching our heads and don’t know what to do when a 28-year-old son is still experimenting with various careers 6 years after graduating with a general degree, or a 26-year-old daughter refuses to take a job that she feels is beneath her but will not hesitate to ask dad for spending money.

After several years of working through the new dynamics in my relationship with our two millenial children, I can unequivocally claim this: the only way your child will get off the couch is if you get that couch out of the house. The couch is symbolic of the protection and provision the Boomer parents provide, often to the detriment of the millenial children’s motivation to launch themselves into self-reliance.

In February 2012, I released my eBook “How To Get Your Child Off the Couch and Make Something of His Life” which outlines the action steps parents have to take to change the relationship. You will find some helpful insights in the eBook that will change your life and your child’s life.

What are some behavior patterns you notice in your young adult that you want to be different? What actions are you ready to take?

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Christian Discipleship: What Chuck Colson’s Conversion Taught Me

Chuck Colson, a Christian luminary, serious Christ-follower, and prison reformer, died Saturday April 21, 2012, of medical complications after he became ill while speaking a few weeks earlier.

The first time I heard about Chuck Colson was in the 1970’s. I brought his book “Born Again” to work; I was a young MBA graduate, a new Christian, and too immature to grapple with the skepticism of the world. “Chuck Colson is a crook!” My co-worker Gary, about 15 years older than me, insisted. Almost 40 years later, when the media covers the news about Colson’s death, the skepticism still dominates the reporting.

LA Times remembers the pre-conversion Colson as Richard Nixon’s “hatchet man,” the president’s “evil genius,” who by his own admission was “ruthless in getting things done” in the Watergate years.

Fox News remembers that, in 1972, the Washington Post called him “one of the most powerful presidential aides, variously described as a troubleshooter and as a ‘master of dirty tricks,” but balances their reporting with credits to Colson’s dedicating his time and talents to the cause of Christ through prison ministry. They cited Michael Cromartie, director of the Evangelical Studies Project at the Ethics and Public Policy Center in Washington, who said he’s certain Colson’s faith was genuine. Cromatie said, “When Colson emerged from prison, “he had a lot of offers to do other things that would have made him a lot of money”, but he wanted to serve people who had been “forgotten” in society.

USA Today barely made mention of his conversion but focuses their report entirely on Colson’s wrongdoings in the past.

My purpose of writing about Chuck Colson is not to debate whether or not he has done wrong in the past. The judiciary system, and history itself, have already determined that Colson has done wrong in the Watergate scandal; Colson himself had admitted wrong and had paid retribution by serving time in prison. I write about Colson because there are a few lessons Christians can learn from Colson’s conversion.

1. The world will always harbor cynicism and skepticism. People look at themselves and find it difficult to change themselves. They look at others and condemn or judge others for their shortcomings. They find it hard to believe that people can really change from the inside out.

2. The world is correct when they don’t believe that people can change from the inside out. This is exactly what the Bible teaches: that only the Spirit of God can transform us and make us new.

3. The world will always be watching. In Mt. 7:16, Jesus said, “By their fruit you will recognize them.” Our faith is not authenticated by our words but by our actions. This should be a wake-up call for us to examine our lives and live lives that are worthy of God’s calling.

4. God transforms the worst scum of the earth in order to show the world his power and glory. The Boston Globe (quoted in Foxnews) wrote in 1973, “If Mr. Colson can repent of his sins, there just has to be hope for everyone.” Indeed “God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.” (1 Cor. 1:27)

5. We can see God’s hope and redemption for us only when we see our own brokenness and poverty. After all, why would we want to fix ourselves when we don’t think we’re broken? I used to point my righteous finger at other people’s imperfections and I said, “God doesn’t exist!” It was when I opened my eyes to see my own brokenness and spiritual bankruptcy that I saw my need for God. Perhaps my coworker Gary, who was divorced and had a very troubled relationship with his estranged wife and children, would some day see his brokenness and his need for Jesus Christ.

What have you learned about faith in Jesus Christ? What does conversion mean to you? What did you learn from Chuck Colson’s conversion?

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Transitions: How To Navigate Relationship Changes

Relationships go through change over time. There is a rhythm, an ebb and flow, to it because people change in their life circumstances change.

Mastering these relationship changes is a skill we learn as we mature.
I have these dear friends that I have known for about 35 years. I became close to them when I was a single person, but I moved away after I got married. Whenever I come back to the region, I call or visit them. We could pick up where we left off, but we do not share the closeness of spending regular time together week after week. Every time I reconnect with them when I visit their city, I have to be sensitive to their openness to the reconnection.

Here are a few pointers I look to when I navigate relationship changes. They are somewhat like the thermometer for measuring temperatures or the barometer for measuring pressure.

1. What is their availability?

2. Is there any mutual desire for connecting?

3. What level of connection are they ready for? Are they ready for just a phone call from me, an evening out with me, or an overnight stay at their house?

Once you have a clear idea where the relationship stands, you can do one or more of the following:

1. Offer to meet but listen closely to what the other person is saying.

2. Reaffirm your interest in future connection if the suggested time isn’t a workable time.

3. Be flexible. Be willing to negotiate the terms that will work for both of you.

4. Never judge, condemn or resent the other person if he shows no openness to connecting. If you do, you’re permanently closing the door to any future connection.

5. Be willing to let go. Relationships have their seasons. If you let your friends go for a season, they might just return when summer comes around.

How have you navigated your relationship changes? What are some challenges? What do you learn about yourself and about the relationship?

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Parenting Adult Children: Why Gratitude Matters

Gratitude is an ancient concept. The Bible is full of verses about thanksgiving. Somehow God knows that we must be grateful if we are to be healthy and happy creatures. In his book God’s Power to Change Your Life, well known pastor and author, Rick Warren said, “Joy is a muscle. The more you exercise it, the stronger it becomes…” One of the ways to exercise this muscle is the attitude of gratitude.

The subject of gratitude has also become a popular teaching outside Christian circles. A blogger on Oprah’s website says, “Did you know that appreciation, gratitude and love are the highest forms of vibration?” he asks. “You can only have one vibration at a time, and if you are noticing what you appreciate and noticing what you are grateful for, you can’t be noticing what you don’t like.”

Melody Beattie said,” Gratitude makes sense of our past, bring peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.” (Success magazine)

Dr. Hans Seyle, father of stress studies, said “Among all emotions, there is one which, more than any other, accounts for the presence or absence of stress in human relations: that is the feeling of gratitude.”

How might the attitude of gratitude transform my relationship with my adult children? It can do so in at least five ways.

• It nurtures my sense of contentment, so I focus on the positive, instead of the negative.

• It keeps me from being tempted to control my children. When I am not grateful for what is already happening with our children, I will be tempted to steer and control my children.

• It creates positive energy in the relationship. It empowers me to affirm my child for every positive accomplishment, no matter how small.

• It empowers me to let go of regrets. If I am grateful for the present, I am more able to let go of the past.

• It enhances my emotional health and therefore creates a healthier relationship. One cannot be grateful and negative at the same time.

What have you learned in the past about gratitude, positive and negative attitudes and energy? What place does gratitude have in the relationship between you and your parents?

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