February 23, 2012

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Parenting Adult Children: How To Coach Them In Decision-making

February 20, 2012 By Theresa Froehlich Leave a Comment

When our children become adults, we no longer tell them what to do. Yet our young adults are not mature enough to handle many of the life decisions: where to live, how to budget, when to change jobs, what to look for when applying for a job… and the list can go on.

What is the role of the parent in all of these decisions? Clearly we don’t want to control, coerce, or manipulate to get them to do what we think is best. If we want our young adults to become confident and competent decision-makers, we need to coach them so they will learn the skill of evaluating and choosing.

Parents can benefit by developing a few coaching habits:

1. Listen well. Most people know how to arrive at good decisions if they are listened to. It is tempting for us parents to step in and short-circuit the discovery process by making suggestions and recommendations which may or may not fit with your child’s life station. Refrain from talking until you feel that you have a really clear picture of what your child is saying.

2. Echo back to your child what you have heard. Let your child know that you are listening by echoing back to him what you have heard. This allows you to test whether or not you are hearing accurately what he is saying. This also lets him know that you are listening.

3. Listen for strong emotions. When a child is expressing frustration, anger, excitement and passion, he is saying something is very important to him. Sometimes what your adult child needs is for someone to point out to him he has these strong feelings and that he has to pay attention.

4. Name the values. Values are what motivate us and drives us to action. For instance, if your child is trying to decide whether or not to change jobs, he is looking for something important to him but he is not able to find it in his current job. Help your child name his values, particularly the non-negotiable values, so he will choose a new job that matches his values.

5. Ask questions. If you ask open-ended questions, you are able to draw out your child. He will still be able to own his decision-making process and will not feel that he is doing what you want him to do.

What have been some challenges you face when trying to support your adult child’s decision-making? What would you like to change so you can be more effective at coaching your child?

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Parenting Adult Children: 5 Reasons You Should Stay Connected

February 13, 2012 By Theresa Froehlich Leave a Comment

Staying connected with adult children can be a challenge. Parents often wonder how much initiative we should take, without making our adult children feel we are pestering them. At times it is tempting to not take any initiative at all, because it feels one-sided to be doing all the work of maintaining the relationship.

Our two young adults are in their early 20’s. Our 23-year-old is very responsive when we initiate; her younger brother is a little more difficult to reach. Expecting either one of them to take initiative is rather unrealistic. My husband and I are adapting to the needs of the moment and try to arrange for get-togethers by texting instead of calling.

Regardless of how our young adults fail to pull the weight in maintaining the connection with us, we as parents still have very good reasons to do what it takes to stay connected. Here are the reasons:

1. They need mentoring and coaching. Our young adults don’t have extended family in the same city, are not active in their faith community, and are not involved in any organizations. Their relationships are mostly limited to those with peers. Even though they are living independently, they still need some older adults to mentor and coach them.

2. They need to practice their social skills on you. When young adults relate primarily to other young adults, they learn to relate only to the peers. To develop more well-rounded social skills, they need opportunities to interact with people from a wide variety of backgrounds and ages.

3. They need a sense of identity through the family. No matter how old or mature we are, we find our identity through our family. As the young adults are developing their own independent identity, it is even more important for them to understand how their family values have shaped who they are.

4. You need that connection with your children. As a mother, I need to stay connected with my children because that emotional connection is important for me to know who I am.

5. You are still the emotional well your adult children draw from. Even when your children are not living with you, you are still the emotional hub. Time with you fills up their emotional well so they can go and face the world.

What are some questions you have about staying connected with your adult children? What might be some other reasons for you to stay connected with them?

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Parenting Adult Children: How To Resolve Emotional Dilemmas

February 6, 2012 By Theresa Froehlich 2 Comments

When our children grow up to be adults, they will face emotional dilemmas.

Let me illustrate what I mean. My husband was 24 years old when he was away at graduate school. He was invited to the wedding of his close friend Steve. There was a conflict because his parents also invited him to a reunion with a family of close friends he grew up with. He felt the tug-of-war within him. He decided to go to the reunion event, but he felt very resentful and sad the whole time he was there.

Recently we were trying to work out the time and location for the holiday celebrations with our children. Our daughter seemed to have a difficult time deciding when and where to celebrate with us because she didn’t know what to do with her boyfriend. Should she ask for an invitation for her boyfriend? If she were to spend the night at our house, what can she do with her boyfriend, knowing that we would not allow them to spend the night together at our house? If she chooses to celebrate Christmas with her parents apart from her boyfriend, she would feel she was abandoning her boyfriend. How should she deal with this guilt?

In a Family Life article, the author describes how parents must release their children to grow independently when they get married. Her daughter Sarah was about to get married and she asked her mother to be strong at the wedding because if mom lost it, they would all lose it. This shows that mom is the emotional hub of the family.

Cutting the apron strings doesn’t begin all of a sudden when you walk your child down the aisle. Even in the day-to-day connections and interactions with our children, we have to cut the apron strings to release our children to grow, no matter how much it hurts. The more we are able to cut the emotional strings that tie down our children, the more e able to spread their wings to fly on their own.

How can we help our adult children resolve their emotional dilemmas?

1. Let your child decide. Never treat family get-togethers as an obligation. Make sure your child understands that these are invitations, not obligations.

2. Offer options that minimize or eliminate the dilemma. Sometimes changing the venue and the time may eliminate the conflict or dilemma. Helping out with transportation may also help if your child doesn’t have a car or other resources to get her to the venue. Including a boyfriend or girlfriend in the celebration, to the extent that they can respect your boundaries, will also help minimize the dilemma.

3. Refrain from loading guilt on your child. If you’re going to let your child decide, you might just hear a “no” answer. Don’t ever put your children on a guilt trip if they choose to spend time with someone else and somewhere else.

4. Assure your child of other opportunities for getting together. Unless the circumstances are unusual, or unless the relationships are estranged, grown children still want to stay connected with their parents. If they cannot participate, assure them of future opportunities to get together.

5. Be a big girl (for mom) or a big boy (for dad). In the end, we parents have to prove ourselves to be big boys and big girls. Cutting the apron strings and letting go is a painful experience, but like Sarah’s mom, we must be strong.

What have been some of your experiences of this type of emotional dilemmas? How did you help your child resolve these dilemmas? What tips can you share with us?

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Parenting Adult Children: Can We Hurry Up Their Maturing?

January 30, 2012 By Theresa Froehlich Leave a Comment


Your child is a young adult, but he seems to be behind in his maturing. You look at other young people of the same age, and you have endless questions such as:

• Why doesn’t my twenty-four-year-old know what to do with his life?
• Why isn’t my 21-year-old interested in boys yet?
• Why doesn’t my 23-year-old have any confidence in herself?
• When is my 24-year-old high school dropout going to finish his GED?
• When will my 26-year-old start learning to save money?

This is just a sample of the numerous questions that go through the minds of parents of young adults when they compare their own children with others.

In a New York Times article, journalist Robin Henig cited the milestones that sociologists use as benchmarks for transition to adulthood: completing school, leaving home, becoming financially independent, marrying and having a child. Statistics are showing a smaller percentage of young adults in their 30’s having achieved these milestones, compared to the same age group in 1960. In a nutshell, our young adults are taking longer to grow up.

When I watched the development of our own children during adolescence, I had asked a lot of those questions listed above. In the same way that I could not really pull the plant from the soil to make it grow faster, I cannot hurry up their maturing. However, I can change the way I relate to my young adult children so I provide an environment that encourages their movement towards independence.

1. Stop being responsible for them. Your adult children who have come of age should take responsibility for their lives. You don’t need to plan their lives for them and execute those plans.

2. Resist the temptation to protect them from pain. Parents want to make life comfortable for the children but they don’t realize that our urge to protect our children often stunts their growth and brings them harm.

3. Shift financial responsibility to the adult children. From the time your child is able to take a summer job at age 16, you should shift as much of the financial responsibility over to your child. As the child grows older and is capable of earning more, he should shoulder his share or all of the financial responsibility. Continuing to provide for your child after he has come of age is detrimental to his psychosocial development.

4. Recognize that there is nothing wrong for you to be incapable at times. Parents often feel that we have to be competent and capable at all times, to protect and to provide. This might have been true when your child was a toddler and was totally dependent on you for provision and protection. This cannot be true of the child who is a twenty-something. If your child is unable to cut the financial strings, you as the parent will need to do this job.

What questions do you ask about in your child’s development? What have you tried to hurry up your child’s development? What worked and what didn’t?

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Parenting Adult Children: How To Reduce Tension

January 23, 2012 By Theresa Froehlich 2 Comments

The parent-child relationship is one of the longest lasting relationships in human society. As adult children begin their journey to independence, there is increasing tension in the relationship.
In a study done by Kira Birditt and her colleagues, they followed 474 parents and adult children who were at least 22 years old. The adult children lived within 50 miles of their parents. African Americans made up one-third of the sample and the rest were European Americans. They asked questions about numerous topics: personality differences, past relationship problems, children’s finances, housekeeping habits, lifestyles, and how often they contacted each other. The study reported the following findings:

• Both fathers and mothers reported more tension with their daughters than sons.

• Both adult sons and adult daughters reported more tension with their mothers than with their fathers. Most of the tension has to do with personality differences and unsolicited advice.

• Parental perception of tension increases as the adult children get older. This may have to do with the parents wanting or needing more attention as they age. The children pull away when they feel too much expectation was placed on them.

Separating from our children who at one time have been so close to us is not easy. The emotional distancing causes parents a great deal of grief. It’s been four years since our children have been living away from home. While time does make the grief a little easier to bear, time doesn’t’ wipe away the pain of the separation.

Nonetheless, parents must learn a new way of relating so as to reduce the tension in the relationship. I have found the following approach to be very effective.

1. Offer, but not demand, time together.

2. Treat your offer as an opportunity for family togetherness; never imply that it’s an obligation.

3. Refrain from any criticism of your child’s lifestyle choices. Train yourself to erase any critical attitudes. You may not realize it! Sometimes silence speaks the loudest! Your critical attitude comes out loud and clear even when you don’t say anything.

4. Before you give any advice, ask your child if he wants any. If he says “no,” shut up!

5. Don’t assume you’re more capable than your child in problem-solving. Parents often think we know best! I’ve been amazed how our children in their early 20’s have been able to solve their problems creatively when I get out of their way.

6. The sooner you can separate your finances, the better your relationship will be. As long as you’re supporting your child in any way, you’ll have a vested interest in how your child lives his or her life. This vested interest drives you to say or do things that increase the tension.

7. The sooner your child can move out into his or her own living quarters, the better your relationship will be. This is especially true if you and your child have wildly different personalities and standards for orderliness.
How would you describe the tension you feel in your relationship with your adult children? What might be the main cause? What would you do to reduce this tension?

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Parenting Adult Children: What About Multigenerational Housing?

January 16, 2012 By Theresa Froehlich Leave a Comment

Is multigenerational housing a good thing or bad thing? Is it just something you tolerate until the economy starts roaring again?

The Pew Research Center shows that in 2008, at the beginning of the latest economic downturn, a record 49 millions, or 16.1%, of Americans were living in households with at least two adult generations. This trend was driven by job losses, home foreclosures, and college students unable to find work.

This statistic is alarming to Americans who value independence and view living with parents after reaching adult age as a sign of dependency. From the perspective of individualism, this is true because an adult child living at home is seen as not having individuated from his or her parents. This is not the case in immigrant communities where they take a communal approach to living arrangements. I would speculate that, unless the economy surprises us with a speedy recovery, more Americans of various ethnic roots will have to share housing with multiple generations.

Recently, some friends (Anglo Americans) in their early 40’s with a 9-year-old child were telling us how much they like having a 28-year-old brother and a 21-year-old son living with them. These two young men take care of the 9-year-old when the couple needs their help. This is the evidence of community at work.

In contrast, when our children were in their late adolescence, our intergenerational housing arrangement was not working. Reason? They wanted to live under our roof and eat our food without having to make any contribution to the community. When capable members are not pulling their weight, this is the evidence of community breakdown.

Many parents, and sometimes grandparents, host their adult children who are trying to get back on their feet. In order for the community to be healthy, the hosting parents must work out an agreement with the guests.

1. Name the expectations. What are these guests expected to contribute in terms of rent and house chores?

2. Establish guidelines for cleanliness. If your child has very different standard of cleanliness, this may be a source of major conflict. You may want to agree on, for example, “Keep the public areas neat and tidy.”

3. Name the expiration date. If you know there is an end date, you can re-evaluate how the arrangement is working for you.

4. Insist on having some regular time together. After all, you’re not running a hotel for customers. It’s important to have time to build the relationship.

5. Agree on methods of communication. A dry-erase board in the hallway? A notepad by the phone?

If you have had experience with multigenerational housing, what was that like? What tips can you share with others?

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Parenting Adult Children: It Tests Your Unconditional Love

January 9, 2012 By Theresa Froehlich 2 Comments

Parenting is a test. Most of all, it is a test of our ability to love our children unconditionally.

When our children are little, they go with our flow. They do cute things. They seem to love us no matter what. Today I read a sweet story about a three-year-old boy who noticed that his mom was feeling a bit tired and discouraged. He told his mom, “You need a hug today.”

Fast forward to the time when this three-year-old boy turns 21! He is away at college. The only times you hear from him are the times when he needs money from you. He comes home for summer vacation. You cook special dinners for him, only to be told an hour before dinner that he will not be home. You ask him to help with house chores, but he tells you he’s busy with his friends.

How about this other case scenario? Your 23-year-old young man is holding a part-time job but not really moving forward with life. When you make suggestions for his personal development, he bursts out in anger. He agrees to help with house chores but most of the time he does not follow through.

Welcome to the world of changing relationships between parent and child!

In each of these situations, parents are challenged to love the child unconditionally. The three-year-old boy is not always sweet like he is. The 21-year-old young man is not participating in your family life and the way you want him to. Regardless of your disappointment, you still love him as he is. The 23-year-old young man may be a tough one to love. He may need some tough love from you, nonetheless he needs unconditional love. He needs to know that you will always be there for him, looking out for his best interests even when you dole out tough love.

Loving unconditionally is always challenging for me as a mom. It’s easy when my kids would do just what I tell them, and not so easy when they are not contributing to the relationship. Amazingly, God has given each mother the capacity for seemingly boundless love. During the last few years as my own children transitioned from adolescence to young adulthood (and it was a difficult transition), my capacity to love unconditionally was tested to the core. I am grateful for God’s empowering grace so I can continue to love my children.

How have you been tested in your ability to love unconditionally? What has been helpful to you to keep loving your children?

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Parenting Adult Children: Adjustments Parents Must Make

January 2, 2012 By Theresa Froehlich Leave a Comment

Parenting does not end when our children move from adolescence to adulthood. In fact this is the harder half of parenting because of the changes in our young adults and the parent-child relationship.

On Thanksgiving Day, we celebrated at our daughter’s small apartment, along with our son and our daughter’s boyfriend. It was in the four hundred square feet of space that I tested my theories about parenting young adults.

My husband and I arrived with three dishes and a pumpkin pie, all vegan and vegetarian because of our daughter’s diet. After we arrived, we sat down and just chatted. I was very mindful of my status as “guests” and not the “mother-in-charge.” I asked for permission and direction before I did anything about heating and serving the food. I even asked for permission to use the bathroom. After dinner, my husband announced he needed to make a contribution to the community, and proceeded to roll up his sleeves to wash the dishes. While he was washing the dishes, I laid down on the make-shift futon and chatted with my daughter’s boyfriend. As a mother-turned-guest, I carefully played that role to show respect for our daughter, the host. I thought, I was the worker bee for so many years. Now I can be the queen bee for a change. Not bad!

After dinner, our daughter’s boyfriend put on some music which sounded loud and strange to our ears. I reminded myself how my parents, who didn’t speak any English, put up with all the American pop music of the Beatles and Elvis Presley. I zipped my lips!

This Thanksgiving celebration encapsulates the changes in the relationship that must take place in order for the children to emerge as truly independent adults. In a Psychology Today article, psychologist Dr. Carl Pickhardt, Jr. speaks of the adjustments of tolerance, reversal, and demotion, which are all necessary for a healthy parent-adult-child relationship. (http://bit.ly/avRB7t) Though we didn’t read his article as preparation for our Thanksgiving gathering, we unknowingly practiced every one of them. We exercised tolerance when we didn’t find the music very appealing. After all, this is an intergenerational difference! When we unloaded our car to bring all the food, folding chairs, and card table up to the apartment, our son insisted on not letting me carry any load. That is the role reversal of a young man attempting to take care of his aging mother. I honored his attempt. Finally, we humbly demoted ourselves from being the parents-in-charge to being the polite and non-invasive guests.

Making these adjustments may not be easy for us parents who have been in charge for so many years. They are adjustments critical for the launching success of our young adult children so they will have room to grow into their sense of self-identity and independence.

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Parenting Adult Children: How To Overcome Shame When They Fail

December 26, 2011 By Theresa Froehlich Leave a Comment

Parents feel guilt and shame when their adult child makes poor choices: addicted to substances, failing in school, acting out sexually, and simply not moving forward in the development.

Our young adult children, now in their early 20s, made their share of mistakes. When they went off to college, one became addicted and the other failed all his classes. Their failure is not a reflection of their lack of intelligence, but it is a measure of their fear and anxiety about growing up.

I have been walking alongside other parents struggling with some of the same behaviors. Those parents who share honestly with others are the ones who recognize the problem and are taking action to correct the course. There are many parents who silently struggle and do not want to take action because they are ashamed of the direction the children have taken. As a result the situation does not get resolved. The adult child is unable to move forward with life, and the parents are stuck in this deadly tangle.

There are several things (mostly related to a change in perspective) parents can do to regain their freedom.

1. Listen to your own feelings of shame. Many parents don’t even realize how ashamed they are, until other people point this out to them. Take time each day to listen to your feelings because they are powerful forces that drive your own behavior.

2. See a therapist or counselor if necessary. Dealing with a dysfunctional adult child is heavy-duty stuff. You need the support of a therapist, counselor, or coach. They can assist you in sorting through the powerful emotions that either propel you forward or keep you in an unhealthy situation.

3. Name your own mistakes, ask for forgiveness, and move on. All parents make mistakes, and we must own our mistakes. If you feel you have made some mistakes that harmed your children, you can name them, truly repent of them, talk to your child about them, and ask for forgiveness.

4. Recognize your child is responsible for his own choices. Even though parents may have made some mistakes that shaped the life of a child, the child is still responsible for his own choices. Many parents find it difficult to see their grown child as a separate human being, and continue to feel guilt and shame for the choices that the adult child makes.

5. Imagine the consequences if your shame continues to hold you back. The picture will not be pretty! Can you picture your son still free-loading off his parents at age 40?

What part does shame play in your family, particularly in your relationship with your adult children? What could you do to overcome shame?

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Parenting Adult Children: How To Deal With A Basement Dweller

December 19, 2011 By Theresa Froehlich Leave a Comment

Parenting adult children is like fighting a guerrilla war when your adult children are not taking responsibility for their lives. Their refusal to accept responsibility can show up in the form of addictions, failure to succeed in college, failure to secure employment, and becoming involved in unhealthy relationships.

A disturbing behavior pattern that is becoming more and more common is what I would call “the basement dweller.” Think of the 22-year-old young man who has never held any steady employment except one of two summer jobs. He has tried the community college but did not do well. He sleeps till high noon and saunters out of his bedroom at one o’clock in the afternoon, whining about how the refrigerator is not stocked with the foods he likes. Standing at 6’3” and weighing over 200 pounds, he is big enough to overcome his mother if they get into a fight. He spends all his time in front of the computer in the dark basement. The only time he comes up to the main house is when he needs to find food in the refrigerator. This young man is the classic basement dweller.

If this describes your child, you’re not alone. I have one just like this. Thankfully, he is now beginning to turn the corner.

What are parents to do when a child behaves like a “basement dweller”?

1. Get on the same page with your spouse. Dealing with a child like this often drives a wedge between husband and wife. It is very important, if you are married, to agree on an approach or a strategy.

2. Clearly name your boundaries. Understand that your child is now an adult capable of providing for himself and accepting responsibility in the community. Set clear boundaries for where your responsibility ends and where his responsibility begins.

3. Eliminate or at least reduce your provision. As long as you are providing food and lodging for your child, he will not have to. Take a close look at what you’re providing and ask yourself: is your provision helping or hurting your child’s development?

4. Have your child evaluated for depression or other mental disorders. His “basement dweller” behavior may be his way of self-medicating a mental illness. If your child is suffering from depression or other mental disorders, he will need professional attention.

5. Examine your own motivation. Sometimes parents are afraid to let go of their adult children even when these young adults are behaving in self-destructive ways. They are afraid that they will lose the connection with their children. Moms and Dads! Until you’re ready to change, your child’s development will not move forward.

What is similar to behaviors you have seen in your adult child? How have you dealt with him or her? What was effective and what was not? Where do you need to change?

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