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Empty Nest Moms: Goal-Setting Strategy

October 27, 2010 By Theresa Froehlich Leave a Comment

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Goal-setting for Empty Nest moms is absolutely necessary but is much more difficult than we realize. This article is intended to provide some guidelines for goal-setting for Empty Nest moms and to help you move forward in your life transition.

One of the reasons Empty Nest moms find it difficult to set goals is because our focus has been on the children for many years. We have for years made them our priority. Now that the children are out of the house, we find that shifting the focus to ourselves takes a lot more strength and savvy than we have ever expected.

In the following paragraphs, I will outline a few steps that will at least get you started.

Take An Inventory of Your Life

Take time to reflect on the various areas of your life as they stand now. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being fully satisfied, score yourself in each area.

1. Physical Health: Exercise? Weight control issue? Challenged with healthy eating?
2. Family Relationships: Satisfying relationships with spouse, adult children, in-laws, and extended family? If not, why not?
3. Social Life: Friendships and social connections outside of family relations.
4. Spiritual Life: Your relationship to God and your faith community.
5. Mental/Emotional Wellness: Grief? Mild depression? Motivated or unmotivated to accomplish things? Menopausal mood swings?
6. Financial Health: Debts? Savings? Cash position?
7. Career: Employment? Calling? Passion? Purpose?
8. Personal Perspective on Self: How do you relate to yourself? Habits? Sense of self-worth? Positive/negative self-talk?

Prepare A Timeline of Your Life

Take 2-3 pieces of paper. Glue them together to make a long piece of paper. Try to limit yourself to no more than 2-3 pieces so you can focus on the highlights and keep from getting lost in the details.
Using a pencil, draw a straight line that represents your life from birth up to this point. Leave some space on the life for the next 5-10 years of your life.

In the lower right hand corner of your paper, draw these symbols to represent the significant milestones of your life. This is the legend for your time line.

• Steering Wheel: Significant events that happen in your normal course of life, requiring you to steer your ship e.g. Bar Mitzvah, beginning high school, your first summer job, marriage, first trip abroad etc.
• Storm: Rough waters – traumas and tragedies, losses, illness, shattered dreams, broken relationships, major conflicts within family etc.
• Ship Captain: Your condition as the captain of the ship – Maturity? Inner resources? Readiness for the life challenges in front of you? Life lessons you learned?
• Lighthouse: Significant mentors and coaches who helped you along the way.

Once you have prepared the time line and added the legend, begin plotting the significant experiences of your life onto the timeline, noting the emotional responses to these experiences and the life lessons learned.

Assess Your Self-Knowledge

Now you are ready to assess your self-knowledge using the following key categories:

1. Strengths: What are you good at?
2. Core Values: What matter most to you? What are the values sitting in your driver’s seat?
3. Operating Style: What is your work style? Your relational style?
4. Personality: Introvert vs extrovert? People vs task orientation?
5. Experience: What are some of your professional and life experiences that can be assets in your tool box now?

Establish A Vision

Now take the Time Line your prepared earlier. In the space reserved for the next 5-10 years, plot a few things you would like to see happening. Dreams from the past that you now have time for? Desire to build more friendships? Explore new interests? Pursue a new career? Get connected with a mentor or a coach? Work toward improving broken relationships from your family of origin? There is no limit to what you can include in the segment of your life. Jot down all your thoughts. You can always revise your dreams later.

Conclusion

The steps outlined in the article serve as a beginning guide to get you started in the direction of goal-setting. To optimize your benefit from your goal-setting exercise, you may want to seek the help and support of a friend, a mentor, or a life coach. Having a sounding board will empower you to discover so much more about yourself and your next phase as you wade through the waters of transition.

Please feel free to ask me a question by clicking on the button “Ask Me A Question” in the sidebar.

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Empty Nest Syndrome

October 20, 2010 By Theresa Froehlich 2 Comments

When children leave home, parents go through some significant changes in their psychological and emotional states. Mental health professionals now have a term for this psychological condition: Empty Nest Syndrome.

In communal cultures where adult children continue to live at home or in the same town, and continue to stay in close touch, this psychological condition is less likely to happen. In the individualistic culture of North America, young adults normally leave for college after graduating from high school or move out to live with their peers. The Fall or Autumn season of the year after high school graduation is a common time when parents begin to feel the effects of Empty Nest Syndrome.

What to look for?

Some of the common symptoms are: sense of loss, grief over the separation, feeling lost about one’s identity, and the urge to cry.

While this condition affects more women than men, men are by no means immune to the trauma of separation. One mom told me her husband used to weep in the basement after their sons left home.

Those feelings of sadness and grief are normal feelings resulting from the separation. The loss of closeness to your child is huge and it should trigger grief, sadness and some tears. They aren’t feelings you should be ashamed of. It has been 5 years since our older child left home and 3 years since our younger child left. I lost count of how many times I felt sad and tears welled up. Yes, I’ll admit that I have sometimes caressed the house robe my son once wore and often have images of my daughter’s toys flashing through my mind.

When to seek professional help?

Women are particularly vulnerable to the Empty Nest Syndrome because the time these young adults leave home often coincides with the onset of menopause. The hormonal changes make Empty Nest moms more susceptible to depressive symptoms. During the first 2-3 years of transition to Empty Nest, I found some of those feelings so overwhelming I went to see a therapist for over a year.

If you are feeling any of the following symptoms, you may need to seek professional help from a counselor or therapist:
• Excessive crying
• Losing interest in any kind of social interaction
• Feeling your useful life has ended
• General feelings of hopelessness

If your menopausal changes are exaggerating your feelings of sadness, you may also seek help from your medical professional.

Season of change
The Empty Nest syndrome is not just about your child leaving home. It is about a season of change that triggers a whole host of changes around relationships and identities. Here are a few questions you can ask yourself to help you assess where you are:
• Who are you, now that your parenting role is completed?
• Where else in life do you find meaning and purpose?
• How has the departure of your children affected your relationship with your spouse? Does it show the strengths of this relationship or does it expose the weaknesses?
• In what ways does the separation from your child show your emotional strengths and identity strengths? In what ways does it expose your weaknesses or lack of self-identity and self-understanding?
• What kinds of help and support will be beneficial at this time?

I have always had a very strong sense of self-identity, but I’ll confess that navigating this transition has been much harder than I thought. After the 3-5 years of launching our kids, I am still working through the transition. At first I sought help from a therapist. After about a year in therapy, I felt I had worked through some of the issues of the past and the issues of the inner self. In a sense, I felt I had “used up my therapist.” At that point, I was ready to look toward the future. This was the time I sought help from a life coach and also decided to take up Life Coaching as a profession.

Staying in touch
Just because your children are no longer living under the roof does not mean they are disconnected from you. The good news of our time is the availability of technology. Invest in a good family calling plan. We expect our children to be financially self-sufficient but we continue to pay for a family mobile calling plan so we can stay in touch as a family. Learn to skype and text because that is the way young adults communicate nowadays. If your children are on FaceBook, learn to do it too but wait for them to invite you to be their friends. Yes, electronic connection is not the same as face-to-face connection. Staying connected also means some adaptability on your part as a parent.

Communicate Without Unloading
As your children are trying to deal with real life independently, they have plenty to learn and lots of emotions to manage. Don’t unload your grief and misery on your child. The place to do this is in the office of a therapist or at the kitchen table of a trusted friend.

Community Support
Empty Nest syndrome is probably the least discussed trauma. There are plenty of silent sufferers out there. Connect with others going through the same or seek out mentors who have gone through it and come out the other side.

I have been part of a parents support group for a few years and we work through many of our feelings together. This group has been my lifeline.

New Life

When you have worked through some of your grief and feel you are emotionally ready, you will find yourself asking some of the questions listed above. This is a good opportunity to seek the help of a professional Life Coach to help you discover your new self. Some of the questions that might come up include:
• Who am I?
• What am I going to do or who am I going to be when I grow up?
• What kind of life do I want for the next chapter?
• How do I navigate the changes in my relationships now – with my spouse, with my launched children, with children who are still at home?
• Where do I fit in the community? How should I use my time, now that I am freed up?
• How can I find meaning and purpose in my new life apart from parenting?

Celebrate
Entering empty nest status is a rite of passage. It is somewhat like a milestone or a graduation. Yes, there are losses, but these losses are also doorways to a new life and to new opportunities. Indee, give yourself the freedom to mourn for the losses, but don’t forget that after every dark night there is a bright morning.

Please feel free to ask me a question by clicking on the button” Ask Me A Question”.

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Empty Nesters: Dealing With Identity Crisis

October 14, 2010 By Theresa Froehlich Leave a Comment

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What happens to parents after their children leave home for college or move out?

Dads will have to deal with their emotional void. Moms will have to deal with the same, but much more. Moms who have worked outside the home while raising kids will still have their job to give them a sense of identity. They can still say, “I work at Boeing as an Executive Assistant.” or “I am a night auditor at the Hilton Hotel.”

For moms who have left their careers to stay at home to raise kids, the repertoire of identity issues is much bigger and longer. All of a sudden, the work of parenting that has given them the focus, the purpose, and the sense of satisfaction has disappeared. The mission has been completed.

“Now, who am I?”, “What do I do with myself?” and “Who am I going to be when I grow up?” are among some of the questions I have been asking myself since the year our younger child graduated from high school.

This soul-searching phase is a transition period. It’s challenging and at times confusing; it’s exhilarating and at times painful. Sometimes, journeying through this phase is like a lost soul wandering through a dark forest trying to find that lost “Self”.

It’s been three years since I began this soul-searching journey. While I have found more clarity to answer those deep questions about myself and about where I am going in life, I continue to journey on. I would share a few lessons I have learned with you, my cohort of Empty Nesters.

1. Accept the messy or confusing transition as inevitable. Imagine yourself snorkeling off the beautiful coast of Hawaii, pointing out the fascinating fish and turtles to your children. Then the motor boat comes by to pick up your children at the set time. The engine of the boat stirs up a lot of the sand in the bottom and your vision is blurred. You cannot see where you are going. This is what the transition through empty nesterhood feels like. It’s uncomfortable and unnerving but it is an inevitable phase.

2. Look to the positive benefits of the void. While you mourn for the loss of the close relationship with your child, look carefully at the positive benefits that the void has created. Enjoy the freedom to do the things you want to do at the time you want to do them. Enjoy the time you can spend with your spouse and watch your relationship grow closer. Treasure the freedom to reconnect with friends you didn’t have time for. Don’t let the grief overshadow the positives!

3. Recognize that life is a journey of perpetual transitions. You, like me, may value stability and sameness, but each person is on a journey. As the scenery around you changes, you must also change in order to adapt. The changes in the environment – the family, the career, and the community relationships – all challenge you to adapt, to grow, and to develop.

4. Search for a vision. As you grow and develop, you need a vision to guide you. Think of yourself as someone wearing shoe size 5 today. There is a pair of size 8 shoes waiting out there for you to fill. God has a calling and a purpose for each one. Search for that vision.

5. Connect with support systems. Emptying the nest automatically creates an intense loneliness within us. You don’t need to journey alone. Find other empty nesters to walk with you. Seek out a mentor or a life coach to be your sounding board. You will be amazed how much wisdom you can gain by simply connecting with others.

6. Invest in new activities. When children are young, they need to explore their environment in order to grow and develop. This exploratory phase is now being repeated in your adult life as you empty your nest. Take time to invest in new activities. Go back to school to take some classes. Join some interest groups in the community. Volunteer for a cause you feel passionate about. The possibilities are endless.

7. Be patient. This may be the most difficult piece. You want clarity and you want clarity fast. You want to move on and move forward to fill this void. Unfortunately, this transition phase is not something you can rush. It will take as much time as it needs to take. When the clarity comes, you’ll know it at the bottom of your heart. In the meantime, keep searching, watching and waiting.

Please feel free to ask me a question by clicking on the button “Ask Me A Question” in the sidebar.

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Navigating Life Transitions: The “Legion” Strategy

October 7, 2010 By Theresa Froehlich Leave a Comment

Navigating life transitions requires a good strategy!

Dr. Garrett Fagan, a respected professor of ancient history, lectured about the two greatest tactical systems of the ancient Mediterranean world: the Macedonian phalanx and the Roman legion. The phalanx was the tactical system that won the kingdom for Alexander the Great. But the Romans came later with the superior system of the legion and yanked the Macedonian territories from Alexander.

What was superior about the Roman legion? Its strength rests in its looser formation and the fighting skills of its members. The legionary needs space to wield its sword; the legion can operate in most landscapes.

What does this have to do with navigating life transitions? I’d like to suggest a few things.

1. Create space for you to progress. If you roll with the punches of life, you will grow into a more mature, more effective, more sensitive and more compassionate individual. If you hold on to the old roles, responsibilities, and identity, you are not entering the open space that God has laid out before you.

2. Treat the battleground as training ground for new skills. Confronted with change, your purpose is to develop new skills. A divorce may require you to learn new ways of coping with insecurity and loneliness. A job loss may test your resolve to persevere. As you get out there to test or experiment with your new abilities, you develop a new level of mastery over life.

3. Hold up flexibility as an important value. Navigating the muddy waters of transition is not easy because you don’t have the clear vision you normally have when everything in life stays the same. Being flexible and having an open mind will serve you well.

4. Anticipate the variety of landscapes. Before you get fixated on one way of tackling life transitions, ask yourself what types of landscapes might come up. Assess your tactical systems and ask yourself how well this system will perform in certain landscapes. If a woman who is divorced from her husband continues to feel sad after many years and does not move forward with her own life, she is missing the new landscapes that are around her. Too many people get stuck with one way of coping or one style of fighting the battles and don’t know that the landscapes have changed.

5. Have the courage to wield your new weapons. Though the new weapons might feel unfamiliar to you, take the courage to try using them. When I began to navigate my transition to the empty nest, I tried a variety of things: taking a computer class, searching for a job, joining a new social group, and a wide variety of other things. I did not wait till I knew for sure what would work. I just went out and tested the waters.

What have you experienced in handling life changes that resembles warfare? What tactical system did you use or are using? What worked and what didn’t? What would you do differently?

Please feel free to ask me any question by clicking on the button “Ask Me A Question” in the sidebar.

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Life Change #4: Expected And Voluntary Change

September 30, 2010 By Theresa Froehlich Leave a Comment

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Expected and voluntary change! Is there such a thing?

Human beings are naturally resistant to change, so seeing change as expected and voluntary is rather rare. Perhaps a good example is when a couple decide to get married or to have their first child. Even though this is something the two people choose to do, the transition is not easy but perhaps more welcomed and enjoyable.

When my husband asked me to marry him, I said yes without hesitation. I also knew there would be some significant adjustments I had to make. As it turned out, the adjustments were far bigger than my imagination could grapple with. Within a few weeks after our wedding, we relocated to Mississippi for his training. That was a very painful and traumatic experience, to say the least. As a new wife, I didn’t see my husband very much because of his crazy work hours. A few years later, we welcomed our first child into this world, after having struggled with infertility for some time. This was the child we had longed for and prayed for. Our second child arrived 18 months later. My parenting experience was been far more challenging than most parents have found.

Both of these changes were changes we brought on ourselves. Yes! You’re right! We chose those changes and we had no one to blame. Why is change difficult even when it is a choice we make?

1. Change undermines our expectations. When life keeps going the same direction, we can expect what is coming. No surprises! When change comes, even though it is expected and this makes us feel out of control.

2. Change exposes our lack of mastery. We feel a certain competency when life keeps going the same direction. If there is a bump or a pothole on the road, even though this is the road we have chosen, we feel incompetent in handling the situation.

3. Change causes grief, no matter how much we welcome the change. Change means saying goodbye to the old in order to welcome the new. This is about mourning for the loss and grieving for yesterday, before we embrace the new.

4. Change shapes our souls. It turns us from square people into round people. To function well in life, we are constantly transitioning. We are daily being transformed. Square people are being transformed into round people, or vice versa. This transition process puts pressures on our souls and we are changed in the process. The eggshell must be broken before the chick can be born.

5. Change reveals our utter dependence on God. As we watch with our wide eyes, change rolls in and we wake up to our own powerlessness. We then realize we are not in control, but God is.

What might be your examples of expected and voluntary change in life? How did you handle the transition process? What did you learn from it?

Please feel free to ask me any question by clicking on the button “Ask Me A Question” in the sidebar.

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Life Change #3: Expected And Involuntary Change

September 22, 2010 By Theresa Froehlich Leave a Comment

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Some changes are expected to happen in the usual course of life and you may even have a choice. But do the expectation and the choice make the transition easier? Maybe.

Since my husband and I got married, we’ve moved across the country a couple of times. Our first move was from beautiful British Columbia to Jackson, Mississippi; our second move was from Jackson, Mississippi to Atlanta, Georgia. After he completed his training at these two locations, we then moved across the country again, this time to California.

All of these relocations were necessary and expected. Are they voluntary? In a sense, they are. We had some choice for the location. Yet in another sense, they are not voluntary because those locations were not the places I would have chosen to live in.

Our eleven years in Fresno were fulfilling in many ways – my husband’s career was on the road to success, together we were building a network of friends, and our children were doing well in school. When the heat and the allergens in the San Joaquin Valley began to take a toll on my body and my son’s health (Indeed Fresno was registering a 118 degree temperature in the summer of 1999 when we came to the Pacific Northwest!), I pleaded with my husband to relocate. This time it was going to be my move! I chose the location!

While I was excited about the move, the rest of the family was not. My husband and our children did not want this move to happen! I had to face their adjustment barriers after the boxes were unpacked.

Change, even when it is planned, expected, and voluntary, still demands a lot of us when we try to adjust. I will share a few things I did that have served me and my family well.

1. Say goodbye well. If you have established a network of friends in the city you’re leaving, it’s important that you say goodbye to them. Depending on how large your network is, you could ask a friend to host a farewell party so you’ll be able to see as many friends as you can at one place. In your case, the change may be a change in career or in marriage. What or who do you have to say goodbye to?

2. Grieve well. Leaving a place where you have lived for years is hard emotionally, even if the move is one you look forward to. This creates a sense of loss and separation in you and your friends. Sometimes, the friends you’re leaving behind may feel abandoned. Give yourself space and time to grieve well. If your change is not related to a relocation, what are the losses you suffer? How would you help yourself to grieve well?

3. Let go of some things. We moved out of Fresno at a time when the real estate market was not doing well and we sold our house at a big loss. Once we had decided to make the move, we had to let this go and not dwell on this loss. When change takes place, you must transition. In order to lay hold of the new, you must let go of some of the old. What might be some things you must let go of in order to bond with the new?

4. Be sensitive to the needs of others around you. When we signed the sales contract of our house, I had offered the custom headboard and duvet cover to the buyer. Our children were quite devastated when they heard this. I negotiated with the buyer to exclude these items so our children would feel a sense of continuity with their previous home. The adjustment to the new can be quite complicated if those around you are not adapting well. What are some things that would maintain some continuity with the old and would facilitate your adjustment to the new?

5. Begin to build new friendships right away. Take advantage of networking groups in the new city to meet other newcomers. Join a bridge club or other hobby group. Participate in a church, or other community organizations. Your new friends can never replace your old ones because each friend has a unique place in your heart. But emotionally it does help if you are proactive, take initiative, and get involved in the community and your neighborhood. If you seem to isolate yourself after arriving at the new location – a new geographical location, or an unfamiliar emotional state, or a new relationship pattern – you may need to see a counselor or therapist.

What have been some obstacles to adjusting to your new location or new situation? How has this new experience changed the way you feel about yourself, your family, and your community? Adjusting to a new location or situation often requires the sharpening of one’s social skills. In what ways can you sharpen your social skills?

Please feel free to ask me any question by clicking on the button “Ask Me A Question” in the sidebar.

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Life Change #2: What To Do When Plan A Does Not Work Out?

September 16, 2010 By Theresa Froehlich Leave a Comment

“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

Life is built around expectations. Expectations give us a sense of having power and being in control, anticipating a certain outcome in the future for what we do today. When the change in our lives comes unexpectedly, it shaves away our sense of power and control.

Last week I wrote about unexpected and involuntary changes. Today we’re going to talk about unexpected and voluntary change.

About 20 years ago, within a few weeks after our first child was born, we relocated to California for my husband to take his new job after he finished his training. He had turned down several other job offers to accept this particular position. His experience on this new job was barely acceptable, with a boss who treated him as an errand boy even though they both had the same qualifications. This man was threatened by my husband.

Before the first year was over, we knew that change was once again on the horizon. During the following year, he became an independent contractor while he continued to look around for other suitable job opportunities. This change, even though it was our choice, was unexpected. We had relocated to California, expecting to find stability. It did not turn out that way.

You might ask, “How did you cope with this?” To be very honest I didn’t really know the answer when I was going through it. In hindsight, I did a few things right and now I can offer a few insights.

1. Accept the change as inevitable. Unless you accept the change as necessary, even though it is unexpected, you will not be able to harness the emotional energy to move forward.

2. Acknowledge your feelings to yourself. It is important to be very aware of the whole range of emotions that could flood your mind when an unexpected, though voluntary, change comes to your living room. Some days your emotions may run the whole gamut of fear, bitterness, anxiety, depression, resentment, excitement, and disappointment. In order to navigate your transition with strength and confidence, you need to be aware of these emotions and process them effectively.

3. Talk about your emotions with each other. When my husband and I were newlyweds, we frequently argued with each other when we were under stress. After a couple of years, our eyes were opened – we are shooting targets for each other, but our life circumstances were.

4. Name the lessons that you have learned. As we tried to find our way through the dark times, we were searching for light. We were both learning lessons and storing them away in our hearts and in our minds. As we named and shared the lessons we were learning, we helped each other find our way. You and your significant other, or whoever your supportive community is, can teach other by sharing what you have learned.

5. Articulate a clear vision for your future. With each unexpected change, you move to plan B. As you make adjustments for the new set of circumstances, you will be well served if you clearly articulate the values and the vision for the destination where you want to end up. This vision will serve as a guide for your decision-making during the transition.

What have been some of your experiences with unexpected and voluntary changes? What emotions did you feel? What people or resources have been helpful to you? What was not helpful? What might be some questions for which this you are still trying to answer?

Please feel free to ask me any question by clicking on the button “Ask Me A Question” in the sidebar.

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Life Change #1:What To Do When Change Is An Unwelcome Surprise

September 9, 2010 By Theresa Froehlich Leave a Comment

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In the previous blogpost, I talked about the four categories of change. The first kind of change is unexpected and involuntary – something you are not planning on and something you do not want. This kind of change is an unwelcome surprise.

Perhaps surprise is an understatement! For many, the experience is more like a shock. Often the emotional impact is trauma.

One woman I knew, I’ll call her Roberta, had just this kind of shock. She and her husband had been married for 15 years. Together they had one daughter who at the time was 10. They were church-attending good people. Both she and her husband professed to be Christians. One Friday afternoon, Roberta came home from her teaching job and found that her husband’s personal belongings had been entirely moved out. Still in disbelief and shock, she quickly went to the bank to check the balance and found that the bank account had been emptied.

Just in case you think that only men are capable of doing this kind of stealth operation, let me tell you another story. I personally know a man, I’ll call him Ben, who had the same thing happen to him while he was camping with his two sons.

Then I also recall how my aunt and her husband were betrayed by their daughter and son-in-law. The parents put their cash assets under the daughter’s name for safekeeping; the daughter and her husband ran away with the money and are nowhere to be found.

If this begins to sound like soap opera, it does! And it’s because soap opera is often a fairly accurate portrayal of the human condition. The difference between a soap opera and real life is this: in the case of the soap opera, you are just watching a movie on the screen; in real life, you have to live with the aftermath and so you must develop some coping strategies.

1. Face the reality. In none of the above stories was there any forewarning that something was going wrong. As shocking as it is, face the reality.

2. Learn to grieve. Grieving is the gift God gives us to help us move through transition. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross talks about the stages of grief: denial, anger, and acceptance. It is normal to initially deny that this horrible experience is really happening. But you would not want to be stuck in the stage of denial or anger. Moving through the different stages of grief empowers you to come out of the grip of the traumatic experience.

3. See a therapist. A mental health professional like a licensed therapist or counselor will be extremely helpful to guide you through the grieving process.

4. See a spiritual director. These unwelcome surprises often unmask the veneer of our spirituality. Most likely you’ll have questions such as: “Why did God allow this?”, “If there is God, why would good things happen to bad people, and bad things to good people?”

5. Work with a life coach when you are ready. Once you are healed enough to move forward, work with a life coach to figure out who you are now. It’s most helpful to explore, with a Life Coach’s guidance, such areas as: your dreams, your purpose, and your new roles and responsibilities. The coach will be able to use her professional training to guide you to craft a strategy for a fulfilling life after the transition experiences.

6. Pursue Self-development. Remember there is always joy in the morning. See this as the liberating opportunity to develop yourself – to go back to school, learn a new skill, or take up a new hobby. It is critical that you nurture your soul with something new and creative.

7. Forgive and move on. Plain and simple! Forgive and move on with your own life. Holding on to bitterness and anger hurts only yourself. Think of forgiveness as unloading that burden from your back.

What might be some other kinds of traumatic changes you have had to face? What are some coping strategies you have tried? What worked and what didn’t ?

Please feel free to ask me any question by clicking on the button “Ask Me A Question”.

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Life Transitions: Emotional Coaching For Staying Strong

September 15, 2009 By Theresa Froehlich 1 Comment

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Dancer and actor Patrick Swayze died yesterday after a 20-month battle with pancreatic cancer. The Texas native was 57.

In the last series “Beast”, he portrayed an undercover FBI agent. During the filming of this series, he was undergoing intensive treatment but he missed work only one day. When interviewed by Barbara Walters, he said, “One thing I’m not going to do is chase staying alive. You spend so much time chasing staying alive, you won’t live.”

As a cancer survivor, I also recall the time when I underwent treatment. I kept up with my daily exercise routines. This not only created for me a semblance of normalcy and sanity, it also helped me distinguish “trying to stay alive” and “living in the present”.

This is not to say that I was in denial of the reality of cancer. Indeed the “C” word strikes fear in our hearts and minds. It causes us to shift focus, to lose our vision for life, and to reduce our purpose to mere survival.

During treatment and in the years afterward, I refused to see myself as a victim of an illness. In fact, I rarely identify myself as a cancer survivor. I continue to see myself as a human being, created by God for a purpose. My daily goal was not to “chase staying alive”, as Patrick Swayze called it. My daily goal was to live out the purpose and the destiny I was created for.

Living under the shadow of the menacing illness, I had to daily practice emotional coaching on myself so fear did not become my boss. Every year when I return for my annual mammogram, fear invariably comes to the forefront. This is the time when I practice, once again, emotional coaching on myself in order to stay focused on my purpose, my destiny, and my mission in life.

When I practice emotional coaching on myself, I take these steps:

  • I listen to my emotions and I name them. This could be fear, anxiety, anger, or depression. Naming the emotions I feel allows me to deal with them specifically.
  • Recall the purpose I am created for. Mentally I bring my calling to the forefront of my thought processes.
  • I imagine a glass jar filled with a large rock that takes up almost all of the space. Then I imagine little pebbles around the large rock. Then I imagine myself filling the jar with sand in the spaces left.
  • During the day, I repeatedly recall the image of the glass jar with the large rock. Every time I bring up this image, I write my purpose on that large rock.
  • I audibly proclaim to myself my purpose in life: “To empower women and men to grow personally, intellectually, and spiritually.”
  • I pray: “So help me, God.”
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