February 23, 2012

Posts |  

Intercultural Relationships: How to Build Spiritual Unity

October 17, 2011 By Theresa Froehlich Leave a Comment

When my husband and I got married, we had one thing working in our favor: our common faith in Jesus Christ. This common faith has made our interracial marriage satisfying, in spite of all the differences in cultural traditions, values, and customs.

Some of you may be in a relationship that involves not only cultural differences, but also faith differences. If you have an interracial as well as an interfaith marriage, you’ll have to work doubly hard to build spiritual unity.

Regardless of the different cultural and faith heritages, your intimacy will be enhanced if you work toward spiritual unity.

1. Do works of mercy together. Regardless of your backgrounds, almost all faith traditions encourage works of mercy. Serving meals at the Union Gospel Mission, the local Food Bank, or shelter for battered women, will bring you closer to each other.

2. Learn from each other the distinctives of your faith traditions. This will increase your mutual understanding and decrease the chance of misunderstandings.

3. Participate in each other’s faith community. Attend some of the celebrations such as fund-raising events, special occasions, and other celebrations. You’ll get to see the faith community in action and learn about the culture.

4. Learn from your spouse how he or she communicates with and about God. Find out why this is meaningful to him or her.

5. Invite your spouse’s friends from his or her faith community to join you for a meal. This shows your willingness to reach out in friendship.

How do you share your faith with your spouse? What are some ways you build spiritual unity?

Please leave me a comment and feel free to ask me a question by clicking on the button “Ask Me A Question” in the sidebar.

Note: Today’s article is the last article I’m writing on the topic “Intercultural Relationships.” As my menu of activities grows, I have had to evaluate my time commitments. Periodically, I may still write about the topic, but I will no longer be blogging on this topic weekly. However I will continue to blog weekly on “Parenting,” “Life Transitions,” and “Spirituality.” I want you to know how much I appreciate your support during the year.

All content on this website is copyrighted.

http://www.dreamstime.com/stock-images-couple-on-deck-rimagefree1137988-resi2394692

VN:F [1.9.3_1094]
Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
Filed Under: Intercultural Relationships Tagged With: , , , ,

Intercultural Relationships: How To Recognize Deep Emotional Needs

October 10, 2011 By Theresa Froehlich Leave a Comment

In an intercultural or interracial marriage, it is important to develop the skill of recognizing your spouse’s deep emotional needs.

Let me illustrate. A group of Christian friends have been going to a state prison to minister to the men. They always bring cookies for the inmates, something the men enjoy a great deal as they fellowship after the Bible Study. My friend Linda said, “The inmates always fight over the cookies that are burnt on the bottom because that was the way their moms made them.”

Food has amazingly deep emotional meanings to us. I know that when I miss my mother and siblings, and when I miss the connection with my cultural heritage, I have to go to a Chinese restaurant. Even if I may eat my meal by myself, ingesting those foods I grew up with satisfies a deep longing to feel the emotional and cultural connection.

About a year ago, a Chinese restaurant in the university district had to close. Hundreds of international students from Hong Kong, Taiwan, and China had frequented this restaurant over the years. The solo waitress remembered the students and what each one liked. The place became something like a home away from home for them, a place where they would get familiar foods, where someone recognized them and knew what they liked. The owner did not announce the closing of the restaurant until the morning of the last day. All the students started texting and twittering one another. By mid-afternoon, several hundred students had gathered to eat their last meal at this beloved restaurant. When they left, many were crying on the waitress’ shoulders.

What might be some ways your spouse is communicating his or her deep emotional needs?

Please leave me a comment and feel free to ask me a question by clicking on the button “Ask Me A Question” in the sidebar.

All content on this website is copyrighted.

VN:F [1.9.3_1094]
Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
Filed Under: Intercultural Relationships Tagged With: , , , , ,

Intercultural Relationships: How To Create Space for Each Other

October 3, 2011 By Theresa Froehlich 2 Comments

A cross-cultural marriage between two people – one from a communal culture and the other from an individualistic culture – may raise some questions about personal space.

I am Chinese and I grew up in a culture that is very group-oriented. My husband is a white American and he grew up in a culture that emphasizes the individual. In addition to the cultural differences in our multicultural family, there are also personality differences. I am an extrovert and I get recharged by being with people; he is an introvert and he gets renewed by being alone.

Some cultures view aloneness as unacceptable. Individuals from these cultures will never want to spend time alone. When paired with a spouse who is similar to my husband, the interracial marriage could be strained.

What do couples in an intercultural relationship do so they can each feel recharged and still be able to connect with each other?

Last week, my husband Hervey went on his annual backpacking trip. Now in his early 70s, his hiking buddy of 20 years has decided he no longer has the stamina to climb the mountains with my husband. Hervey went on a solo trip. I worried about him backpacking without a companion. Nonetheless, I supported his decision to go because I knew he needed that time alone. These are the reasons it was important to let him go.

1. Meeting my husband’s need for solitude and nature shows that I am willing to put his need before my cultural affinity.

2. Allowing him the opportunity to recharge his battery makes it possible for us to enjoy each other even more.

3. When I put his needs before my need, he is encouraged to reciprocate.

4. Our temporary separation enables us to appreciate each other even more.

5. Setting aside my usual love for togetherness challenges me to grow as an independent person.

What questions do you have about giving each other space, respecting each one’s needs to be an individual? How do you stay connected?

Please leave me a comment and feel free to ask me a question by clicking on the button “Ask Me A Question” in the sidebar.

All contents on this website is copyrighted.

http://www.dreamstime.com/stock-photos-hiking-in-the-wilderness-rimagefree1430395-resi2394692

VN:F [1.9.3_1094]
Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
Filed Under: Intercultural Relationships Tagged With: , , , , ,

Intercultural Relationships: What To Do When You Have Differing Social Needs?

September 26, 2011 By Theresa Froehlich 2 Comments

Intercultural couples have different social needs if one comes from a communal culture while the other from an individualistic culture.

In our crosscultural marriage, I have a much stronger need for social connections than my Caucasian American husband does. Yes, we have different personalities: I am an extrovert and he is an introvert. However, even after we make adjustments for the personality difference, our differing level of social needs still shows up in our intercultural marriage. Since I grew up in a communal culture where the group identity is prominent, I miss that sense of belonging to a large family, to a social group of friends, and to other groups. On the other hand, my husband has a few friends he hangs out with on a one-on-one basis and he belongs to a men’s group. He is satisfied with what I believe is a rather skimpy network of social connections.

This differing need for social connections could create tension, and sometimes conflict, because husband and wife have very different ideas for how they spend their time. When my husband wants to just stay home, I want to go out and socialize with others. What do you do with this tension?

1. Name your need. You have to begin with being aware of your need and articulate it without accusing or blaming your spouse.

2. Listen well to your spouse’s need. Your intermarried spouse has a different perspective on social interactions. Listen to his needs and understand what will satisfy him or her.

3. Negotiate with each other. Both of you will have to practice some give and take. Whatever solution you come up with will stretch you, so both of you must be willing to give even as you try to get your needs met.

4. Show appreciation when your spouse makes an effort to meet your need. Never assume that it’s unnecessary to say “thank you” just because you’ve been married for a few years or decades.

5. Look for new activities to do that will simultaneously meet both of your needs. When my husband and I go for walks on trails, I get to be with him (my need to belong) and he gets to be outdoors (his need to be quiet and in nature.)

What differences did you notice about your social needs? What solutions have you found to be helpful? What are some ideas you could share with others?

Please leave me a comment and feel free to ask me a question by clicking on the button “Ask Me A Question.”

All content on this website is copyrighted.

http://www.dreamstime.com/free-stock-photo-fun-friendship-rimagefree2426437-resi2394692

VN:F [1.9.3_1094]
Rating: 3.0/5 (1 vote cast)
Filed Under: Intercultural Relationships Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Intercultural Relationships: How To Overcome Reactions To Cultural Differences

September 19, 2011 By Theresa Froehlich Leave a Comment

Intercultural couples sometimes go into marriage without a complete picture of the cultural differences. Later in their relationship, one spouse may have negative reactions when he or she gets a more complete picture of the differences.

Let me illustrate with an example. My friend Jody grew up in Singapore. She and Hans met in the United States when they were both going to graduate school. Hans grew up on a farm in rural Germany. After they married in the United States, they settled in Germany. When Hans was alone with Jody, he would adapt to her Singaporean background and the Americanness they had both picked up. As Jody immersed herself in German society, she noticed that Hans was acting more and more German, particularly when he was around his family of origin. This surprised her because he acted much more American while he was studying in America. She had to decide how she would relate to the Germanness of her husband.

This kind of reaction to cultural differences is not uncommon, but it often catches one of the spouses in the interracial marriage by surprise. In Jody’s case, she saw only one side of Hans’ cultural face and did not expect it to morph into a German face when Hans re-entered his home culture. This kind of reaction, sometimes a surprise, and sometimes a negative emotion, can be managed by doing a few things.

1. Suspend your judgment of right and wrong. Often, negative reaction to cultural differences stems from judging a foreign culture through our own culture. When we stop viewing cultures as “right” or “wrong”, we are more prepared to accept someone who is different.

2. Practice a perspective shift. Imagine yourself as someone from your spouse’s culture. Try to see things through his or her lenses.

3. Try it on for size. Play dress-up for fun. Pretend you are now German, Chinese, Japanese, or Puerto Rican. Learn a couple of phrases here and there. Try using some of their body language.

4. Brainstorm with your spouse about ways to make cultural connections. You and your spouse may have enough common ground to build your relationship. However, you may need to pick up a few ideas for building your relationships with your in-laws. Your spouse is your culture coach, so don’t hesitate to ask for her assistance.

5. Extend your love by meeting others where they are. Cross-cultural relationships tend to require us to adapt; this type of relationship tests our flexibility more than any other. If we approach people with love and acceptance, they can sense it even if we are not communicating in the same language.

What surprises have you experienced in your intercultural relationship? How would you describe your reactions? What could you do to overcome such negative reactions.

Please leave me a comment and feel free to ask me a question by clicking on the button “Ask Me A Question.”

All content on this website is copyrighted.

http://www.dreamstime.com/free-stock-photography-the-power-of-yin-yang-rimagefree17216751-resi2394692

VN:F [1.9.3_1094]
Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
Filed Under: Intercultural Relationships Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Intercultural Relationships: Essentials For Racial Reconciliation

September 12, 2011 By Theresa Froehlich Leave a Comment

Intercultural marriage is a testimony to racial reconciliation. By marrying each other, two individuals from vastly different cultural heritage choose to forge a sense of unity and peace and yet respect each other’s differences.

Yesterday was the tenth anniversary of 9/11 attack of the World Trade Center in New York City. Many throughout the United States gathered to remember and to mourn. Strangers were hugging because they were bound together by their painful loss. This is a moment of bridge-building.

Yesterday, my husband and I had our story recorded by the Story Corps of National Public Radio. As we reflected on our interracial marriage, we rejoiced in our commitment to build bridges so our marriage would succeed. We named several essentials for building bridges across cultures.

1. Hold relationship harmony as non-negotiable. We are committed to our marriage and we would never consider divorce. This commitment provides a safe place for us to explore our differences.

2. Keep the communication channels open. We believe in the simple principle of “Just keep talking to each other.” By doing this, we persevere to find common ground.

3. Seek to understand differences, not to take down the person with those differences. We see our goal as understanding and resolving differences; we don’t see each other as an enemy. This creates a sense of being a team trying to achieve a goal together.

4. Seek to serve the other. Life experiences tell me that when I seek to serve others first, the reward will always come back to me.

5. Set aside any judgment. It’s easy to judge the other culture as being “wrong” and assume a superior position over your spouse. Passing judgment and assuming superiority is destructive. Setting aside any judgment and taking an open posture to listen will get you a long way.

What else do you consider as essentials in racial reconciliation?

Please leave me a comment and feel free to ask me a question by clicking on the button “Ask Me A Question” in the sidebar.

All content on this website is copyrighted.

http://www.dreamstime.com/stock-images-businessman-walking-rimagefree2429164-resi2394692

VN:F [1.9.3_1094]
Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
Filed Under: Intercultural Relationships Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Intercultural Marriage: Food As A Measure of Intermarriage Readiness

September 5, 2011 By Theresa Froehlich Leave a Comment

http://www.dreamstime.com/stock-images-brazilian-food-8-rimagefree1501652-resi2394692

All content on this website is copyrighted.

Intermarriage readiness is measured, partly but significantly, by your reception of foreign foods.

Individuals such as missionaries and corporate executives have extensive experience living overseas. They will tell us that our acceptance of a culture is measured by how well we accept the foods of the local people.

Imagine dating someone from a culture whose foods you absolutely detest! How can you sit across the dinner table from your girlfriend and spouse and all the while feeling like you want to throw up at the sight of the Mexican, Japanese, or Chinese food served in front of you.

I am grateful to have a husband who has always been open to any foods even before he and I met. When I met him, he had already mastered the use of chopsticks, so I can’t claim any credit for his chopsticking skills. I attribute his openness to a variety of ethnic cuisines to the success of our interracial and intercultural marriage.

There are reasons why checking your feelings about foreign foods is important.

1. You can bond with your spouse or significant other. Eating together is an important time for social bonding. There will be tension between you and your spouse if you constantly turn your nose up when foreign foods are served.

2. You can show respect for and acceptance of your spouse’s culture. If you cannot accept your spouse’s ethnic foods, most likely you will have trouble accepting him or her as a person. Your feelings about those foreign foods are a measure of the future success.

3. You can impress your in-laws. In a nutshell, there is nothing that builds your relationship with your in-laws any better than your appreciation for their food. It opens the door to mutual respect and acceptance.

4. You can create an open-minded culture in your home. This is even more important when you start rearing children. They will learn from you to be open- or closed-minded.

5. You develop a readiness for transformation. In a marriage, we succeed if we are prepared to grow along with our spouse. Learning to accept and enjoy foods you didn’t grow up with is a test case for your preparedness for transformation.

What part has food played in your intercultural relationship or multicultural family? What might be some questions you want answered to enhance the sense of unity?

Please leave me a comment and feel free to ask me a question by clicking on the button “Ask Me A Question” in the sidebar.

VN:F [1.9.3_1094]
Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
Filed Under: Intercultural Relationships Tagged With: , , , , ,

Multicultural Families: Religion Or Not?

August 29, 2011 By Theresa Froehlich Leave a Comment

In a multicultural family, the choice of religion can be a cause for conflict or source of emotional distance.

At a banquet dinner, I met a young woman in her mid-twenties. Her father is a Southeast Asian with Buddhist leanings, and her mother is a Latina with affiliation with a Christian church. Her parents were unable to come to any agreement, so this young woman has decided not to get involved in anything, When I shared with her that I am a Christ-follower, she asked me, “Are you religious?”

“No, I am not religious. When the word religion comes up, most people think of a bunch of do’s and don’ts. I attend church activities and I fellowship with other Christ-followers. But this is about a relationship with Jesus Christ, not about a religion.”

Many intermarried or interfaith couples have been unable to lead their children in the area of spirituality because of their misguided notion of religion. I would like to share a few keys to providing spiritual leadership in the home.

1. It’s more than just choosing a religion. There are so many religions, so which one should we choose? Developing your children spiritually is about searching for the truth. While all religions contain some elements of truth, not every religion is the Truth.

2. It must be relevant to their lives. Religion that consists of just routines, do’s and don’t’s is dead religion. Faith has to be relevant to your children’s lives. Do they see how God works in their lives? Does he make a difference?

3. It must be lived out in front of your children. Do your children get to watch the vibrancy of your faith? Do they see a living faith between Sundays? Do they see you behaving according to the faith you confess?

4. It must be communicated in a way your children can understand. Young minds need simple ways of understanding what faith is about. Intermarried parents need to put ourselves in their shoes and communicate their level.

5. It must be owned by the children. Children may follow their parents to church when they are little, but until faith touches their hearts, the children are just living their parents’ faith. They must go through the individuation process and own the faith as theirs.

Please leave me a comment and feel free to ask me a question by clicking on the button “Ask Me A Question” in the sidebar.

All content on this website is copyrighted.

http://www.dreamstime.com/free-stock-photo-a-church-in-the-winter-rimagefree2427813-resi2394692

VN:F [1.9.3_1094]
Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
Filed Under: Intercultural Relationships Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Intercultural Marriage: Friendship As Foundation

August 22, 2011 By Theresa Froehlich Leave a Comment

The crosscultural character of an intermarriage creates some additional stresses in the relationship and increases the risks of divorce, unless the couple builds their relationship on the solid foundation of genuine friendship.

People go into an intercultural relationship for a variety of reasons: the fascination with someone different, the subconscious drive to break away from your parents by marrying someone from a different culture, the attraction to the physical appearance of the person, and many other reasons. These are not inherently unhealthy motivations, but if any one of these becomes the primary driving force for your choice of spouse, you’re building your marriage on sinking sand.

When my husband and I met and started spending time together, we focused on building our friendship and we continue to do so after 28 years of marriage. We listen to each other even when we might feel tired. We try to be sensitive to meet each other’s needs. We encourage each other in difficult circumstances. We challenge each other to develop.

There are three kinds of love spelt out in the Bible: eros, philia, and agape. Physical and sexual attraction is eros. When you call someone your friend, your love or philia will motivate you to love and care for that person regardless of his or her attractiveness. After all, your wife may look gorgeous at age 27 but may turn into a shriveled grape at age 72. If your attachment is purely based on romantic, physical, and sexual attraction, the reason for staying together is gone once the physical attractiveness is gone.

The next level of love is agape, the kind of unconditional love that arises from your own godly character. You choose to love and remain faithful to the person you have taken to be your spouse, regardless of your circumstances and your feelings.

I would like to ask a few questions for you to do a health check on your friendship score.

1. What was the primary driving force for your marriage?

2. If your answer to #1 is something other than friendship, what are you already doing to build this friendship?

3. What are your spouse’s needs in order for him or her to feel loved?

4. What are your own needs in order for you to feel loved?

5. What structures can you build into your life to ensure time available for you and your spouse to nurture your friendship?

Please leave me a comment and feel free to ask me a question by clicking on the button “Ask Me A Question” in the sidebar.

http://www.dreamstime.com/stock-image-close-friends-rimagefree891865-resi2394692

All content on this website is copyrighted.

VN:F [1.9.3_1094]
Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
Filed Under: Intercultural Relationships Tagged With: , , , , ,

Multicultural Families: Five Guideposts for Standards for Cleanliness

August 15, 2011 By Theresa Froehlich Leave a Comment

All content on this website is copyrighted.

Multicultural families toggle between two sets of values and navigate between two worlds. The diversity enriches the family in many ways and could cause conflicts and dilemmas in other ways.

As a Chinese person, born and raised in Hong Kong, I grew up with high standards for neatness and orderliness. Even though we lived in a very small apartment, with a total of nine people crammed into it, we worked hard at maintaining order. Each day, when I came home from school, I had to put away my clothes and my books in the areas designated for them.

When our children, born and raised in the United States, became adolescents, I expected them to maintain similar standards of tidiness and orderliness. I must admit it was an uphill battle. Despite the fact that they had been taught to keep their rooms neat, they could not seem to bring order out of chaos. When they saw that their friends’ rooms were not any more orderly, they wondered why their mother was nagging them about cleaning their rooms.

This is an area where cultures collide. Sometimes it is difficult to separate the influence of culture from that of personality. Our children are now young adults living away from home. I would like to suggest a few guideposts for thought.

1. Determine your ideal standards and realistic standards. If you dream comes true, you may want your children to put everything in organizers after they finish using them. However, this may happen only once or twice a week, and this is your realistic standard. Perhaps there is room for challenging your children to do a little more.

2. Be satisfied with what you can accomplish as long as the neatness falls between the ideal and the realistic standards. If you are too rigid about your ideals, you may damage your relationship with your child; if you are too lax with your children, they may not learn well how to organize their lives.

3. Design an organization system in the home that makes sense to your child. Make it easy for them to follow.

4. Teach them the value of being organized. Use teachable moments like finding books and homework when these materials are needed. If your child is unable to track down homework as he is leaving for school, let him face the consequence. Perhaps next time, he’ll remember to put his books and homework back in the designated place. Our children had rather messy rooms when they were adolescents, but I continued to uphold our standards and expectations. They now live independently and they are expecting themselves to keep their place tidy.

5. Exercise some grace when your child fails to meet your standard. Keep in mind that maintaining order in the environment requires the use of the executive function of the brain. Some children have highly developed executive function early on while others don’t show organizational ability until later.

What other suggestions do you have for working out the standards for neatness?

Please leave me a comment and feel free to ask me a question by clicking on the button “Ask Me A Question” in the sidebar.

VN:F [1.9.3_1094]
Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
Filed Under: Intercultural Relationships Tagged With: , , , , , , ,
« Older Posts
newsletter software