The parent-child relationship is one of the longest lasting relationships in human society. As adult children begin their journey to independence, there is increasing tension in the relationship.
In a study done by Kira Birditt and her colleagues, they followed 474 parents and adult children who were at least 22 years old. The adult children lived within 50 miles of their parents. African Americans made up one-third of the sample and the rest were European Americans. They asked questions about numerous topics: personality differences, past relationship problems, children’s finances, housekeeping habits, lifestyles, and how often they contacted each other. The study reported the following findings:
• Both fathers and mothers reported more tension with their daughters than sons.
• Both adult sons and adult daughters reported more tension with their mothers than with their fathers. Most of the tension has to do with personality differences and unsolicited advice.
• Parental perception of tension increases as the adult children get older. This may have to do with the parents wanting or needing more attention as they age. The children pull away when they feel too much expectation was placed on them.
Separating from our children who at one time have been so close to us is not easy. The emotional distancing causes parents a great deal of grief. It’s been four years since our children have been living away from home. While time does make the grief a little easier to bear, time doesn’t’ wipe away the pain of the separation.
Nonetheless, parents must learn a new way of relating so as to reduce the tension in the relationship. I have found the following approach to be very effective.
1. Offer, but not demand, time together.
2. Treat your offer as an opportunity for family togetherness; never imply that it’s an obligation.
3. Refrain from any criticism of your child’s lifestyle choices. Train yourself to erase any critical attitudes. You may not realize it! Sometimes silence speaks the loudest! Your critical attitude comes out loud and clear even when you don’t say anything.
4. Before you give any advice, ask your child if he wants any. If he says “no,” shut up!
5. Don’t assume you’re more capable than your child in problem-solving. Parents often think we know best! I’ve been amazed how our children in their early 20’s have been able to solve their problems creatively when I get out of their way.
6. The sooner you can separate your finances, the better your relationship will be. As long as you’re supporting your child in any way, you’ll have a vested interest in how your child lives his or her life. This vested interest drives you to say or do things that increase the tension.
7. The sooner your child can move out into his or her own living quarters, the better your relationship will be. This is especially true if you and your child have wildly different personalities and standards for orderliness.
How would you describe the tension you feel in your relationship with your adult children? What might be the main cause? What would you do to reduce this tension?
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This blog accurately describes the tension that exists between my 21 year old son and me. I miss being needed (and thus either nurture or offer advice), and he needs me much less (mostly not at all), which causes me the grief you describe. I still find it difficult to trust all of his choices and capabilities, but this blog reinforces what he asks me – to not give advice unless asked. Is it true that the parents of those of us now in our 50s and 60s did not experience these same emotions and struggles? If so, why?
Letting go of our adult children is a hard thing to do, yet it’s the necessary thing to do. As parents, we may not feel that our adult children have got it together (“I still find it difficult to trust all of his choices and capabilities”), but our children learn by being out there wrestling with real life and facing the real consequences of their real choices. Letting go strikes fears in the mother’s heart!
Did our parents feel the same emotions and struggles that we face now? I would imagine that they did. As a teenager and young adult, I made choices that would have scared my mother if she had know about those choices. But I learned not to go there again, not because my mom told me not to, but because I personally suffered the consequences.