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In an intercultural or interracial marriage, you have different perspective on “shame”. If you happen to be a married couple with one spouse from a shame-based culture and the other from the guilt-based culture, you will want to get a grip on shame and guilt.
Generally speaking, Western and individualistic cultures are guilt-based while the Two-Thirds World, the collectivistic or communal cultures, are shame-based. In the guilt-based cultures, individuals take responsibility for some wrong done when they are persuaded within themselves they are guilty. In the shame-based cultures, members of a group feel shame when they have done something that dishonors the entire group. These members of the communal cultures feel some kind of “group shame” regardless of who in the group has done this wrong deed.
In a marriage between two people – one from a shame-based culture and the other from a guilt-based culture- conflict and miscommunication could come up because they have different perspectives on “Who is responsible?”
In our family, this surfaces primarily in the area of parenting. Since I am an “old country” parent raised in the shame-based culture, I had tended to expect our children to uphold the honor of the family by being good stewards of their exceptional intelligence and by succeeding in school. Our children, on the other hand, were born and raised in America, and heavily influenced by the larger culture of individualism. They have not been motivated primarily by the group identity or what their mom and dad expected of them. When they did not perform at their best ability in college, I felt shame and embarrassment because they did not reach the full potential of their giftedness. Our children, on the other hand, having been raised in a guilt-based culture, have not come to own the “group shame” because they are internally driven.
When this difference in “shame-focus” or “guilt-focus” shows up in couples’ communication, it has the potential of turning into a heated argument about “Who is responsible?” or “Whose business is it?”
Let me share a hypothetical example. My husband and I are having dinner with several guests, some of them Caucasian and the host couple are Japanese. If my Caucasian husband starts slurping his soup or noodles to show our Japanese hosts how much he appreciates the food (and this is the Japanese way of showing appreciation), I would feel, by association, ashamed with what my husband is doing because this is not acceptable to the Caucasians at the same table. My husband might feel I am being overbearing for even feeling ashamed since I am not the one slurping. In other words, he feels this is none of my business. I might feel he is blaming me for feeling something I should be rightfully feeling, based on my shame-based upbringing.
Oh yes! Cross-cultural interactions can be very fascinating, challenging, complicated, yet fun. But you do have to watch the cultural dynamics at work so the situation does not turn into a shouting match about “Who is to blame?”
The following is an exercise for prevention.
1. Draw 2 straight lines on a piece of paper. Label one end “10” and the other end “1”. Then label one line “Shame-based” and the other line “Guilt-based”.
2. If you identify with a communal culture and believe you are mostly shame-driven, put your name on that line. On the scale of 1-10, with 10 being highly driven by shame, score yourself as to how driven you are.
3. If your spouse identifies with an individualistic culture and is driven by guilt, put his name on that line. On the scale of 1-10, with 10 being highly driven by guilt, score him as to how driven he is by guilt.
4. Have your spouse repeat the above 3 steps.
5. Then compare your scores. If the score you give yourself is vastly different than the score your spouse gives you, there is a big gap in your perception of each other’s motivation.
6. Think of some situations where you might have experienced this difference in “perception gap” and talk about them.
7. Name the feelings that are associated with those situations identified in step 6.
8. Try to figure out a way that you and your spouse can show respect and understanding of where the other is coming from.
What did you learn about yourself? What did you learn about your spouse? What did you learn about your parenting? What might be some ways you can adapt to the cultural differences?
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